Wednesday, November 30, 2011

#30 Ramblings of a Crazy D Mamma #NHBPM

This is the last day of Diabetes Awareness month.  I'm a little sad. Did I do enough? Did I do anything at all? Although I'm sure all of my Facebook friends are breathing a huge sigh of relief --- thank God Laura won't talk about diabetes anymore --- it doesn't stop here for me.  Diabetes awareness goes on and on and on and on for me and for my family.  I've really enjoyed writing a post each day for the National Health Blog Post Month #NHBPM.

I still have several posts brewing around in my head so maybe I'll keep up the momentum.  Maybe not.  We'll see.

I was thinking back to my 'life plan' --- yea I think I had one when I was a lot younger.  I was supposed to be married by 25, have babies by 27, white picket fence, happily ever after and blah blah blah . . .

I'm so glad things didn't go as planned.  I am not living the dream but I know I am blessed.

I am 38 years old (oh so close to 39) and am right where I am supposed to be.  I know it -- I know that my children were given to me for a very specific reason.  I am not bragging or conceited but there are people out there that absolutely could not do what I do.  That's right I said it.  I may have even been one of those people 10-15 years ago.  My life is not easy.  It is blessed and happy and loving and wonderful but it is not easy.

When people tell me that they could never do what I do I often respond with ---  yes, yes you could and you would.  But you know what ---- sometimes I'm like --- I know, you would totally suck at this.

My life is pretty much consumed by my children.  I've lost who I once was but I am ok with that --- I know I will find me again.  Right now I am doing what needs to be done to keep all of my children happy, healthy and safe.

There are days that I don't shower, brush my hair or leave my house.  Some days are so damn hard I yell at the top of my lungs ---- Why me???  When I do that I usually remind myself of the people that I think actually could not do what I do and thank the stars that my children were given to me and not them.

I am one amazing 'D-Mom' but I am total failure as a wife. Two Chronic illnesses has not been kind to my marriage.  I read a comment once that there had to have been cracks already in a marriage if something like this could break it up.  I'm calling BS on that.  Diabetes is a life changer.  It's not what we signed up for when we said I do and it has changed all of the rules.

I've lost my faith along the way.  I don't blame diabetes or UC for this at all.  It just is what it is.  I believe in something but I'm not sure what exactly.

I hate it when people tell me 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle'.  Hate it.  A good friend of mine told me this instead --->  Laura, God did not give this to you. She went on to say that God would see me through it but he did not give it to me.  I'm totally down with that!  God did not GIVE diabetes to Nate.  God did not give UC to Sweet Sophie.  He didn't.  I'm sorry but if there is a God I do not believe he would give this to anyone.

Sometimes I get diabetes burn out.  Bad.  This weekend one day I only checked Nate's bg 3 times.  What the hell?  I relied way too much on Dexcom.  I was just over it.  I feel a little guilty sometimes about the burnout. I don't even have diabetes --- am I even allowed to get burn out?  Nate has to live with it for the rest of his freaking life.  <--- sometimes that really bums me out.

I remember when Emma was a newborn and I was so overwhelmed with being a mommy.  No one tells you how hard that shit it.  OMG - maybe they did and I didn't listen but damn I was so tired and totally overwhelmed.  Yea - that's what diabetes feels like.  All of the time.

Sometimes people are talking to me and I have no idea what the crap they are talking about.  Blah Blah Blah Blah . . . . normally this is what is going on in my head . . .



So, if I'm staring off into space with a confused look on my face.  Please see photos above --- I'm trying to do that in my head or I could just be ignoring you.  Hard to say for sure.

I get embarrassed when people tell me that I am an inspiration or I've helped them through my blog.  Because I know sometimes I just sound like a CrAzY ass cracker bitchin' and moanin' about all of my problems.  That being said I'm glad my brutal honesty has helped in a small way.

Things I hate:

I hate the stigma associated with diabetes.  Come on, people.  Nate was 14-months when he was diagnosed.  You seriously think it was lack of exercise?  You're a damn fool.

I hate it when people offer up sugar free options.  What the crap?  It still has carbs.

I hate the way I expect everyone to just understand.

I hate that time right before dinner when everything is coming together. The main dish and the sides are all perfectly timed to be done at the same time, I'm trying to get the table set, measure and weigh Nate's food, check his blood sugar and bolus him while I am still counting the carbs in my head.  That totally stresses me out.  Oh and I hate that it happens every single night.  Well, except when my timing is off and the meatloaf isn't done on time.

I hate it when random people tell me about their great aunt that had to have their foot removed because she had the 'bad kind' of diabetes.

I hate the way diabetes has made me fat. I stress eat and am too tired to work out.  That's the truth.  So tired!! Need more sleep!


Things I love:

I love Nate's insulin pump, The OmniPod

I will love it more when it is smaller.

I WOULD love it if we had someone like Steve Jobs working in the diabetes world.  I want to bolus from my iPhone.

I love the Diabetes Online Community.  Still wishing for the commune and the sister wife.  I already have at least one picked out.  Hi Nicole!!  :)

I love that Nate was able to get on Medicaid when private insurance would not cover him.

I love that I still have a killer sense of humor.  I'm funny.

I love that I am able to blog about all of this and I love that people actually read it.  I love comments -- remember?

I think that's all I've got.

Diabetes doesn't define me but it certainly has made me a completely different person than I was before it came into my life.  I don't always like what it's doing to me and to Nate and to my family but it's here to stay so I might as well put on my big girl panties and deal with it.  Right?


Thank you for reading my last post for. . .
NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J


18 comments:

Michelle said...

Same-same on SO much of this! So glad to know that I'm not the only one that sometimes is listening to someone talking to me but somehow have no idea what they're talking about...probably too often all I'm hearing from others is the "blah, blah, blah"...I thought maybe it was just me.
And I LOVE being able to read your blog!!!!

kkd said...

Dang, I guess my first comment didn't go through.
Anyway, Lydia just asked me tonight leaving church why God gave her diabetes? (bc she was low and didn't want to eat and it was meltdown time) I told her he didn't and that he was watching over and protecting her.
Loved your hate and love lists. Especially glad that I stumbled onto your blog months ago. It is one of my favs! Glad you are funny and honest.

Stephanie said...

Damn, girl. You saved the best for last! I'm still up, just finished reading "The Hunger Games" because I'm waiting to see if Adam's 85 will come up on its own, or if I have to shove a juice box down his throat at 11:30pm. A day in the life, right?

Love your ramblings. Because they are MY ramblings too. I get so flustered trying to explain T1D to people that I'm sure they think I'm crazy. As in CUH-RAY-ZAY. I always just give up and say, "It's complicated." I'm sure people are tired of me bitching and moaning about it. But luckily, our d-mama group gets it.

Much love to you, sister. Hope the Houston house is feeling better soon.

Penny said...

Absolutely beautiful and heartfelt sister! Amen to every word. Love you, love you, love you. We will see each other through. And eventually live on that commune.

Roselady said...

Wow what a post, Laura. You really know how to write how you feel -- and still make it a captivating read.

Kelly said...

Amen sista! Same SAME here with me! Everything you said in this post is exactly what runs around in my own mind....especially the marriage, recalculating carbs endlessly, and the whole "god gave this to you" bull shit. True, its up to us to live the life we are given, but in no way, shape or form are people (especially children!) "given" disease!!! ((HUGS))

Jessica said...

All true. I can't muster much more than a half ass :),
but I feel you and love you girl!

Holly said...

Yes, you totally still have your sense of humor! hahaha!
I totally agree with the glazed look..I'm thinking here, People!
and dinner? Ugh. Total counter and timer and TOUGH.
Thanks for keeping it real-I totally agree, and don't say it often enough! : )

Jen said...

Awesome post - I have absolutely loved reading your posts through #nhbpm! Your senses of humor is terrific and your ability to sum up what we're all thinking at one point or another is priceless. Give yourself a big pat on the back - you've earned it!!

Reyna said...

Love your humor and your honesty always and forever. xo

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

Damn, that was good on so many levels!!

Amanda said...

Same SAME! I'm right there with you, I HATE when people tell me God only gives you what you can handle! I HATE when people say they couldn't do what I do, but yeah, you are right, some of them couldn't. My marrige suffers, my sex life suffers (I'm so tired and I have to get up in a few hours to check BG, all I want to do is sleep! TMI? or Same Same?) My relationship with my other kids suffers, I am fat because I stress eat too, I am too tired to excercise, I HATE when I read that "getting enough sleep" helps you to lose weight. and I HATE that it is so hard for me to trust other people with Kortnie, most of all I HATE relying on a freakin' medicine and pump to keep my kid alive. And one day I went like 8 hours without checking her BG and I don't even have a Dex!

Amanda said...

Oh and my Faith? I am clinging to the last shred of it, I feel it slowly slipping away from me, and really? I don't give a crap, I'm too tired to give a crap, I have other stuff to worry about. Same, Same!

Hallie Addington said...

I love this post! I love your honesty!

I HATE the D has wrecked your marriage. I hate that.

I totally believe that God didn't give our kids this disease. I do believe that He is all powerful so he COULD have taken it away... but that there's a reason why He didn't. That's just me. It's what I believe and I'm not saying it's right or wrong. We each believe that we have to so that we can get through each day, ya know?

I totally want to bolus from my iphone. It does everything else... there is NO WAY this couldn't have been figured out.

I love the pod. I also will love it more when it's smaller!

My life is consumed by my kid and diabetes. and school. And jdrf. and I'm cool with that. Pretty much.

And I TOTALLY LOVE That you said that sometimes you think "yeah, you would suck at this". Because I SO THINK THAT, TOO!

Love you my sweet, sweet friend! I hate D - but I love that it led me to people like YOU!

Nicole said...

Totally with you on the dinner timing thing...UGH so stressful. I use to say that dinner was no longer family time before we started pumping because it was diabetes time. Now with the pump we are making our way back to family time dinner.

and completely with you on the God did not give my child diabetes too.

Anna said...

Laura--you are f*&C$ing funny! I love that you are so honest, too. I can't help it but I do expect people (especially close family and friends) to "get it" more that they do. It's been almost two years since dx and people who are close to us still ask the dumbest questions. They most certainly should know better by now don't you think? Pick up a copy of Diabetes for Dummies for pete's sake! And, it's true that we can handle "D" better than most people we know. It's a shame that some people can't handle it because while it's taxing emotionally and physically (no sleep!), it's not rocket science. People just have to use their brains; okay, 24/7. But, I'm preaching to the choir. :) I love your "I love" list. We love the Pod and the Dex too. Also want to be able to check BG's via smart phone or "weather station". Love your blog.

bigfootchildhavediabetes said...

Chiming in a little late, but I LOVED READING THIS SO MUCH! I am staying up tonight to test every hour or two,and you are making me very happy. I especially am loving "all perfectly timed to be done at the same time, I'm trying to get the table set, measure and weigh Nate's food, check his blood sugar and bolus him while I am still counting the carbs in my head. That totally stresses me out. Oh and I hate that it happens every single night"

bigfootchildhavediabetes said...

Chiming in a little late, but I LOVED READING THIS SO MUCH! I am staying up tonight to test every hour or two,and you are making me very happy. I especially am loving "all perfectly timed to be done at the same time, I'm trying to get the table set, measure and weigh Nate's food, check his blood sugar and bolus him while I am still counting the carbs in my head. That totally stresses me out. Oh and I hate that it happens every single night"