This is the last day of Diabetes Awareness month. I'm a little sad. Did I do enough? Did I do anything at all? Although I'm sure all of my Facebook friends are breathing a huge sigh of relief --- thank God Laura won't talk about diabetes anymore --- it doesn't stop here for me. Diabetes awareness goes on and on and on and on for me and for my family. I've really enjoyed writing a post each day for the National Health Blog Post Month #NHBPM.
I still have several posts brewing around in my head so maybe I'll keep up the momentum. Maybe not. We'll see.
I was thinking back to my 'life plan' --- yea I think I had one when I was a lot younger. I was supposed to be married by 25, have babies by 27, white picket fence, happily ever after and blah blah blah . . .
I'm so glad things didn't go as planned. I am not living the dream but I know I am blessed.
I am 38 years old (oh so close to 39) and am right where I am supposed to be. I know it -- I know that my children were given to me for a very specific reason. I am not bragging or conceited but there are people out there that absolutely could not do what I do. That's right I said it. I may have even been one of those people 10-15 years ago. My life is not easy. It is blessed and happy and loving and wonderful but it is not easy.
When people tell me that they could never do what I do I often respond with --- yes, yes you could and you would. But you know what ---- sometimes I'm like --- I know, you would totally suck at this.
My life is pretty much consumed by my children. I've lost who I once was but I am ok with that --- I know I will find me again. Right now I am doing what needs to be done to keep all of my children happy, healthy and safe.
There are days that I don't shower, brush my hair or leave my house. Some days are so damn hard I yell at the top of my lungs ---- Why me??? When I do that I usually remind myself of the people that I think actually could not do what I do and thank the stars that my children were given to me and not them.
I am one amazing 'D-Mom' but I am total failure as a wife. Two Chronic illnesses has not been kind to my marriage. I read a comment once that there had to have been cracks already in a marriage if something like this could break it up. I'm calling BS on that. Diabetes is a life changer. It's not what we signed up for when we said I do and it has changed all of the rules.
I've lost my faith along the way. I don't blame diabetes or UC for this at all. It just is what it is. I believe in something but I'm not sure what exactly.
I hate it when people tell me 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle'. Hate it. A good friend of mine told me this instead ---> Laura, God did not give this to you. She went on to say that God would see me through it but he did not give it to me. I'm totally down with that! God did not GIVE diabetes to Nate. God did not give UC to Sweet Sophie. He didn't. I'm sorry but if there is a God I do not believe he would give this to anyone.
Sometimes I get diabetes burn out. Bad. This weekend one day I only checked Nate's bg 3 times. What the hell? I relied way too much on Dexcom. I was just over it. I feel a little guilty sometimes about the burnout. I don't even have diabetes --- am I even allowed to get burn out? Nate has to live with it for the rest of his freaking life. <--- sometimes that really bums me out.
I remember when Emma was a newborn and I was so overwhelmed with being a mommy. No one tells you how hard that shit it. OMG - maybe they did and I didn't listen but damn I was so tired and totally overwhelmed. Yea - that's what diabetes feels like. All of the time.
Sometimes people are talking to me and I have no idea what the crap they are talking about. Blah Blah Blah Blah . . . . normally this is what is going on in my head . . .
So, if I'm staring off into space with a confused look on my face. Please see photos above --- I'm trying to do that in my head or I could just be ignoring you. Hard to say for sure.
I get embarrassed when people tell me that I am an inspiration or I've helped them through my blog. Because I know sometimes I just sound like a CrAzY ass cracker bitchin' and moanin' about all of my problems. That being said I'm glad my brutal honesty has helped in a small way.
Things I hate:
I hate the stigma associated with diabetes. Come on, people. Nate was 14-months when he was diagnosed. You seriously think it was lack of exercise? You're a damn fool.
I hate it when people offer up sugar free options. What the crap? It still has carbs.
I hate the way I expect everyone to just understand.
I hate that time right before dinner when everything is coming together. The main dish and the sides are all perfectly timed to be done at the same time, I'm trying to get the table set, measure and weigh Nate's food, check his blood sugar and bolus him while I am still counting the carbs in my head. That totally stresses me out. Oh and I hate that it happens every single night. Well, except when my timing is off and the meatloaf isn't done on time.
I hate it when random people tell me about their great aunt that had to have their foot removed because she had the 'bad kind' of diabetes.
I hate the way diabetes has made me fat. I stress eat and am too tired to work out. That's the truth. So tired!! Need more sleep!
Things I love:
I love Nate's insulin pump, The OmniPod
I will love it more when it is smaller.
I WOULD love it if we had someone like Steve Jobs working in the diabetes world. I want to bolus from my iPhone.
I love the Diabetes Online Community. Still wishing for the commune and the sister wife. I already have at least one picked out. Hi Nicole!! :)
I love that Nate was able to get on Medicaid when private insurance would not cover him.
I love that I still have a killer sense of humor. I'm funny.
I love that I am able to blog about all of this and I love that people actually read it. I love comments -- remember?
I think that's all I've got.
Diabetes doesn't define me but it certainly has made me a completely different person than I was before it came into my life. I don't always like what it's doing to me and to Nate and to my family but it's here to stay so I might as well put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Right?
Thank you for reading my last post for. . .
NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J