Thursday, September 16, 2010

1 Year - Tears and Triumphs

I have written this post 3 times now and deleted it each time. I'm not sure where to go with it and am not really sure if I even want to write it or acknowledge it.

One year ago today my son, Nate was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I would love to sit here and tell you that the year has flown by, his diabetes is under "control", and life with diabetes has become our "new normal". Sorry Folks - I can't do it.

As I sit here right now I am waiting for Nate's blood glucose level to come down from over 500. Yes - - you would think that after 1 year we would no longer see numbers like 500!! Today is one of those days that puts Type 1 Diabetes right back in perceptive for me.

We lost our Continuous Glucose Monitor Sensor and our Insulin Pump on the same night. This would be the definition of a BAD D DAY!!

The tears are flowing because it has been 1 year since Nate was diagnosed and I am not magically just OK with it. Things have gotten easier but I am still often sad about his diagnosis.

The triumph of the night is that I am here alone with my 3 children, I changed a DexCom (CGM) sensor, figured out that the canulla was no longer delivering insulin to Nate, changed a pod, delivered a corrective dose of insulin, checked for ketones and am now anxiously waiting for his bg to come back into range.

For the record for non-D-Peeps - - - this also means that I will get absolutely no sleep tonight. This high bg required a large correction which is not an ideal situation while Nate is sleeping. Therefor, because I just got the CGM calibrated and I have no idea how accurate it is going to be - - - I will be up! Checking, Checking and Checking on Nate for most of the night.

One year ago Nate's blood glucose was over 500 he was in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) and could have died.

Unfortunately, the numbers are hauntingly similar but the circumstances are so different. I know what to do, how to do it and will win this battle. I am in control of keeping my son alive and I will not let him down. Not tonight! God willing, not ever!

It feels strange but that is all I have - - -
I never, ever run out of things to say about D but my one year mark has me a bit speechless.

Here are some pictures of our journey over the last year - - -
I threw this together at the last minute because sometimes pictures like actions speak louder than words.


26 comments:

Tracy (The Crazy Pancreas) said...

Congrats on making it 1 year. I know it is a hard one. I think 1 year hit me much harder than 2 years did. I still have days where I get emotional and can't stop crying. I am not sure those days will ever go away. I hope they become fewer and farther between, but they will never be gone.

Even after 2 years, we still have nights (last night!) where The Superhero is HIGH for hours, and it stinks. But we move on with no sleep and go about another day, all in the name of our beautiful little children.

I am SO grateful to have gotten to know you over this last year, Laura, and I cannot wait to meet you in person. Nate's story is one that has always gotten to me. I have always felt a connection to you because he was dx so young, like my little one.

Many (((HUGS))) and LOTS of LOVE to you.

Tracy

Meri said...

I can't watch your video tonight...I'm crying like a big boob. I started but I just can't make it, I'll try again tomorrow. It brings back SO many memories...babies and D just don't mix. It is like we are asked to run a marathon, but we can only run in place...we can't move! How the hell will we win!? Thankfully our babies get older, and the control will come a bit more readily. Until then, from one D Mama to another...((HUGS KISSES AND UNDERSTANDING.))
same.

Wendy said...

Nights like this the raindrops with faaaallll...

I'm trying to serenade you.

It's still emotional for me. Sometimes I just find myself crying -- out of nowhere....for no apparent reason, but I know why. Deep inside it still hurts. It hurts knowing that I couldn't stop it and I can't take it away.

But my life has been so enriched by Mamas like you.

Thanks for sharing your journey with me -- CHEERS for many many many more healthy, happy years.

AjsMommy82 said...

Congrats on making it one year! So glad you decided to blog today, I wasn't able to pull myself together to do a 1 year post :(

Hope his sugar comes down nicely tonight!


(((HUGS)))

Heidi / D-Tales said...

Oh, Laura, I know your heartache. Sending you love and hugs and wishes for an easier second year! XO

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

Laura I am sorry that you are having a rough night.. I mean its emotional enough as is with out this crazy high added into it. You are an amazing mom and I am thankful to know you. I feel such a connection to you and Nate since he was only a 3 months older then Joshua at DX. I watched your video it was beautiful! you did a great job just thowing it together. Also I wanted to say GREAT Job on getting such great donations for the walk in your first year!! Sending you a huge carb free hug!

Sarah said...

Thank goodness we have each other in this DOC because I can feel exactly what you mean. Thanks for your amazing posts, especially this week. Super Nate is so surrounded and held with love. He is a really lucky boy.
Our daughter was dx in Oct. 08 when she was five. For us, the first year was just too much. A blur really. The second year has been much better. I hope next year is better for you too. Be good to yourself, treat yourself with a latte or whatever is your thing (a seasoned D-mom told me that in the beginning). It's all just too much to carry some days--especially with the kind of day you just made it through. I hope he comes back in range soon. I can't write that without going to check my sleeping girl now ...
You are Nate's Super Mom. Thanks for sharing your story.

htimm=) said...

A year, wow! You are one of my inspirations (along with many other moms here in the DOC). I can't imagine how much more difficult this road has been for you and Nate because he is so little. As each week passes I get more confident in the fight and that we will make it to a year. The fear is starting to lessen but the fight in me is getting stronger each day. I love your video and the song choice is so appropriate. What a fighter you are and Nate too. I especially love the parting line of "I may have diabetes but diabetes does not have me" You are an awesome mom! Love and hugs!

Reyna said...

Laura,

(pause)

I think (pause)(sigh)the grief of a diagnosis of this magnitude sweeps us away for awhile. I lost myself for a good year and a 1/2 after Joe was diagnosed. I was primarily a pancreas. I did my best to "parent" too...but I lost myself...and my friends and family lost a bit of me for awhile. The tears, the hurt, the lonliness did not ease up...for what seemed like an unnaturally long time. I am inspired by you daily, the most loving care you provide to Nate, the humor, the raw reality of your posts. Thank you. I am honored to be your fellow D' mom...we all know that we are in the club that no one wants to join...I am so glad that I am at least here in good company. Please give Nate a super big hug from his friends from Vermont.

Penny said...

Laura - You made it. You make it each day. I know you are lost in the grief right now, but you are doing it sister. And it's bloody hard. I wish you peace hon, I wish you nights of some sleep, I wish you steady BGLs and most of all I wish that you always know that you have 100 D-Moms in the same boat as you, rowing with you and supporting you when you can't row yourself any longer. Now give me the damn oar! :0)

Cindy said...

Laura, big, big hugs! That first anniversary is so hard, isn't it? It's makes you think of all you lost because of diabetes. Don't expect those high numbers to disappear completely. I still get an occasional high when I'm getting sick. But things will get easier as our children get older and the growth spurts spread out a bit more.

My advice for the day...take Super Nate out for a cupcake and celebrate his superhero status. He's an awesomely fantastic, adorable little boy, diabetes and all!

Kelly said...

I too was LOST for the entire first year. As in, I cried all day every day. Anger, agony, I live like a zombie on auto pilot. Then it turned around. Then I was back to being lost. Sometimes (after 4 years) I find myself at that spot again. Its so hard....just know that whatever you feel is ok.....there isnt a timeframe in which your heart finds peace with with disease. You will get there. ((HUGS))

Nicole said...

Great post and wonderful pictures I love the underwater one :)

You and your family are doing a wonderful job and you should be so proud of yourself. Way to go momma...your a rock star!!

I hope that you at least get a little break, maybe a nice little nap an amazing special snack:)something on this very hard day!! much love from Canada :)

Jen said...

The first year was the worst for me. I think you and Nate have been doing so amazingly well Laura - you should be so proud of yourselves!! I couldn't have even considered the pump until year 2 and here you all are with not only a pump but a CGM! Impressive!! I am so glad to have met you and I look forward to following on with your D journey! Big Hugs Friend and i hope some sleep comes your way soon...

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

Hugs my friend.

Diabetes is stupid.

Congrats on getting through the first year. Hoping today the sun is shining on you guys a little brighter.

connie said...

The first year was the toughest for me...and then came dx number two :(

It still hurts for me too, I feel your pain Laura and your video left me in a puddle of tears. Nate is a beautiful boy and he is so lucky to have an amazing mom like you!

I hope that his numbers came down and that you have been able to get some rest my friend. Sending you some big (((hugs)))

Alexis of Justices Misbehaving Pancreas said...

BIG HUGS and KISSES to both of you. I hate that we must share this common bond, but I am so happy to have met you.

The DX versary is always hard, for me it was last year and as it approaches now I feel it.

Youre an amazing D mom, and God chose you to be Nates mom for a reason.

I dont know if any of this even helps,Love you.

Amy said...

So proud of you Laura!!!

Jennie said...

I don't think it ever gets "easier" to deal with the diabetes. And if it does, you are probably not putting enough attention to it and have been lucky to avoid serious mishaps. I loved your post because it is so real and so true. This is the reality we all live in. Diabetes is consuming our thoughts and energy around the clock. 4 years has taught me as the mom to relax about some of the details, but things almost seem to be more complicated now then they were at first. Hugs to you! You are an awesome D-mom!

k2 said...

I'm so impressed by you and every single parent of children with diabetes. You share with me what my parents would not. THANK YOU.
Give Nate a big hug & kiss for me & continue to celebrate all of his fantasticalness! Hang in there girl, your doing great!!!!
HUGS
Kelly K

Lora said...

Awesome video :) You are an awesome mom and a great friend. Everyone lucky enough to have you in their life has been blessed. Keep your head up... it does get A LITTLE better once your past the one year hurdle :) (((HUGS)))

Psalm 139:14 said...

We have been dealing with D for ten years. I was told by several when we first found out, "It will get better!" He's 13 and we still have highs..lots of highs. And I mean HI
We have some lows, but not a lot.
We deal with lying about our numbers and then reaping the repercussions of that. Just this week, we were dealing with ketones. Last night I started looking through his meter and saw high number after high number. Thats why we dealt with ketones..from the repeated high numbers.
I've read your story and my heart goes out to you as a fellow D mom. I thank God that there are other moms that know my heart ache.
I will get through each day thanks to the Lord above.

Amanda said...

Hooray for you, Nate, and your family for making it through this crazy first year! After the year mark (April for us) things did seem to get a little bit easier. I hope it's the same way for you!
PS Did I tell you that my girls are named Emma and Sophie too?

Heather said...

You are right, our kids and us are fighters! Congrats on making it one year. It is the hardest and I can't say that the hurt gets any better (we are at the 17 month mark.) but with support from our friends, family and our D Mamas we can make it through, and keep fighting. (((hugs)) to you my friend.

diabetic neuropathy treatment said...

I can sense the difficulty you have writing this anniversary entry. Congrats for doing great this past year! Your little boy is so lucky to have you as parents.

Anonymous said...

I know I don't know you, but I, too, have a son with diabetes. My son was 13 days shy of his 8th birthday when he was diagnosed and put in the hospital. I so understand how hard it is as a mother and wanting to make it better when it's out of your control.
Every year on July 20th my son has his birthday AND every year on July 7th he has his "diagnosis birthday". We have taken the bad and made it a good thing. If he hadn't been diagnosed.....he wouldn't be here! We celebrate his diagnosis with the whole family and show him that we all are in this together and it is NOT the end of the world...it is the beginning! In turn, my son has accepted diabetes and treated it as if it is just normal.
I do hope that one day you can see the date of diagnosis as a great day (as weird as it sounds).

You and your family are in my thoughts,
Kacey McNew

(son, Michael, diagnosed July 7, 2004)