Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Why I still Cry - Part 2 - A Mother's Love



A Mother's Love

A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

Helen Steiner Rice.

 _________________________________________________________________

I am a mom.
It is what I am.
It is who I am.
It is not a role I take lightly.
I will be a mom forever.

Being a mom is not always easy -

I see my mom hurt for me.  I see it in her eyes.  I lean on her a lot and I can actually see the pain in her eyes when she is hurting ---- and I know she is hurting for me.  Just as I will always be a mom to my 3 precious children I will also always be a daughter.  You never stop being a mom. Ever.

When your children hurt - you hurt.  It's an amazing thing.

For me it started off small.  The 1st time Emma (my 1st born) had a stomach bug she was not even 1-year old yet and it made me so sad.  She was in so much pain, her entire body would tense up and she would just scream in pain. It made me so sad because there was nothing that I could do for her - I couldn't take it away.


Another example I remember so vividly - Emma was diagnosed with  a severe articulation disorder when she was two. At the age of four she had made great progress but her speech was still not clear enough to be understood by those that did not know her well.  Jim and I were out of town on business so my mom had the girls.  She took Emma to a birthday party where the girls all dressed up like princesses and got to do a little fashion show.  When Emma walked down the runway one of the girls that worked at the party place asked which princess she was dressed as today and Emma responded with "Cinderella".  The girl couldn't understand what Emma said and made her feel bad about it.  Emma ran off the stage crying straight into my mom's arms. Later that day my mom called to tell me about it and I was devastated. I cried for Emma, I cried for me - - - I cried because I would do anything to take the hurt away from my sweet girl. It was the 1st time I had experienced hurting for my child's feelings.  I will never forget it.

I posted last July why I still cry about Nate.  I received a lot of nice comments and wonderful support from my readers. One comment stood out and I think of it often ... A friend and fellow blogger Cindy said...
Laura, I've been diabetic myself for more than 20 years. I have never cried over having it myself. But we're coming up on the 1-year anniversary of my daughter being diagnosed with it (she's 3 now) and I cry for her. It does suck. It's BS that D-moms never get to sleep and that any sleep we do get is plagued with worry. But God wouldn't give us such wonderful, amazing, d-children if he didn't think we could handle it or if we didn't deserve the extra sweetness that comes with those children! Hang in there! The anniversaries are the hardest, I think. Once it's past, the emotional side should get a little better, I think!

I also saw a comment or two that criticized me for being weak and dramatic.  Clearly, comments like that come from non-parent people. There is no greater pain for a mother than to watch her child suffer in any way.  It is beyond description. Yes, it is part of life but it is certainly not an easy part of life. Although, I do still think diabetes is BS (see previous post) I can honestly say that I do not cry as much or as often BUT I do still cry.  Sometimes.

Some days are just really hard.  Today was hard.  Diabetes hasn't cooperated at all and when my mom had to come over and help me hold Nate down to give him an injection.  I cried.  I then wiped my tears away and moved on.  It's still hard to see your child have to endure the miserableness of a high bg for 12 hours, large ketones, 3 pod changes and 2 injections. 

Then I also have my Super Sweet Sophie to worry about.  This weekend we attended the CCFA Take Steps to be Heard kick-off event.  There were a lot of really nice people there but there I was in the middle of this event unable to hold back the tears.  This time for Sophie.  I cry for her.  I cry because her disease is bullshit. I cry because we really haven't even told her what is wrong with her.  I cry because although I met a lot of really nice people I learned more and more about what this disease is doing to her little body and there is nothing that I can do about it.  Diabetes sucks but I am able to work really hard and try my hardest to keep things in check to prevent future complications for Nate.  I can't do that for Sophie and that is BS.  I met people that have had their colons removed (WTF), use feeding ports (WTF) and then I read more about the complications . . . .

Other potential complications of Crohn's disease include malnutrition, the development of fissures (small cuts or tears in the anal canal), abscesses (localized infection or collection of pus), and fistulas (an abnormal tunnel that forms between two structures of the body) which requires surgery.  Good grief!  This is my 5-year old daughter we are talking about - I am looking into her future and I am not liking what I see.

And just to clarify - often when I am REALLY MAD - I CRY.  Right now I think I am in the mad stage about Sophie's dx.  I am mad.  I am so mad that sometimes there is nothing else for me to do but cry.  I yell too but only when I am in the shower and no one else is around which isn't very often at my house.  So, I cry.  I can do that quietly in the shower, under the covers, while doing laundry . . . you get the idea.

I guess my point is that there is no love like a mother's love and there is no pain like a mother's pain. Our job is to help turn these little people into wonderful big people --- helping them, guiding them, watching them follow their dreams.  It is the hardest job I have ever had (much harder than I ever imagined) yet it is the most rewarding job I have ever had.  I think with this job and all of its rewards and benefits comes a lot of laughter, a lot of tears, a lot of happiness and a lot of pain.

I am a mom.


I am a daughter. 


Sometimes I cry but most of the time I am laughing.

Things get me down but I have learned to keep calm and carry on . . .



18 comments:

Cindy said...

Oh, Laura! I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a great big hug right now! This is a beautiful post. I think being a mom may be one of the most painful things in the world. But it's so worth the pain when you think of all the beauty and joy in being a mom! The pain just makes the rest of it all that much sweeter. I think we feel all of the anger and frustration and tears so that our children won't be burdened by them. I'd rather cry over Lily's diabetes than see her cry over it. And just remember, for as much as it all sucks, these struggles our children go through will help them grow up to be beautiful, wonderful adults, full of grace, strength, and compassion. No matter how much we'd like to take it away for them, we can't. But we can look on the good side of these things and help them to see the good side too.

Amy said...

What a beautifully written, HONEST account of how you feel. People who call that 'dramatic' are not i touch with their own feelings and emotions. They don't 'get' it. You DO. And this is your safe place where you can unload all of those emotions so you can be the best mom you can be to your little precious ones. You are their rock and always will be. Whatever you do to remain stable for them is JUST RIGHT. Then you joy can shine through and provide the best memories ever......

Stephanie said...

Oh, gosh, Laura, way to make me cry before I've had my coffee! :) Love your post - so true and so beautifully written. (((hugs))) to you.

htimm=) said...

Beautiful post Laura!

Tracy (The Crazy Pancreas) said...

Nothing like a good cry in the morning. I still cry over D sometimes too. And now these other stupid things I am dealing with.

Same.

Love you, friend.

Give those kids a big hug from me!

Christy said...

Laura, this is so well written and so true. We only want the best for our children and when they are diagnosed with anything, it is a challenge. I still cry too, even though Andy has had diabetes for almost 6 years. Even though I know I don't have it anywhere near as bad as those families with Type 1, we still face the same challenges. Some days will be better than others, but we will always be mothers and will always cry when we can't help our children feel better. We will also cry when they are successful. You are a great mom. God bless you for all you do.

Anna said...

Now I'm crying. (and I'm at work too, so it's not good). ;) Right after Roxy was diagnosed a friend wrote to me and said, "You never know what you'll have to do for your children". It always stuck with me because you don't know what you'll get but you do know that no matter what you'll try to love and protect your kids with all your heart and strength.

Alex's Mommy said...

Laura,
We special needs Moms have so much on our plates. It's good to let it all out once in awhile. I've been feeling the same way lately as Alex has other challenges which can be even more exhausting than his diabetes somedays. Im sorry you've had some bad D days. They will pass, and tomorrow is a new day. Keep smiling. You have a beautiful, contagious smile. To those people who say you're too dramatic, be sure and tell them that unless they've walked in your shoes, they should not judge. You have every right to feel the way you feel. Hugs, G

Sarah said...

I think we're all a little dramatic when it comes to our babies - if not outwardly than inwardly...and darn it they are so worth it! I had a very stoic mother growing up and remember her just shrugging everything off, the interesting thing is that she is now the one who cries every time she sees me change Isaac's site or have to force him to have some form of sugar. This has just solidified the fact that I always knew she was sad for things inside for us but thought she needed to put on a tough front so that we wouldn't be sad...now I am much more appreciative of her honest feelings being shown, for her telling me that she talks to her coworkers about her grandsons type 1 diabetes and her other grandson's hemophilia. I am thankful that my mother has allowed herself to be open about these fears and realities. I think you are teaching your children a valuable lesson about how all emotions are valid, that showing you care sometimes comes out in many different ways such as anger, fear, happiness, laughter or even tears. I think you're a wonderful mother and I am so right there with you still crying when I know my babes hurt or carry such a heavy burden.

Alexis Nicole said...

I sobbed last night because of D. Because of what it was doinnng to my baby.

I love this post. You said it perfectly.

F*ck anyone who critized you. I love you so much!!!

Wendy said...

Absolutely beautiful, my friend. I still cry too. And I'm just so thankful to know I'm not alone.

We're in it together, my friend.

(I love the pictures.)

Michelle said...

Beautiful and heartfelt post! Thanks for sharing that...while I wish we didn't feel the need to, I cry too sometimes. Glad to know we're not alone!

Meri said...

Amen. Amen. Amen. A mothers love cannot be easily described...unless you are Laura Houston, you described it to a tee.

A friends love can be difficult too, especially when you know the pain of anothers mother heart...really KNOW IT...and can't take it away. I know the heartache of watching your child suffer, and I wish others didn't have to endure as we have. All I can say is your children are blessed to have such an amazing woman as yourself fighting for them. All my love to you friend!

Kimberly said...

Love this post Laura! No one gets a mother's love until they are a mother...and we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders for our children...so they can live innocently and freely for the short amount of time that their growth allows. And you are a beautiful mother my friend...your children are learning how to truly love and that is what it's all about.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more. We had an endo appointment today and it didn't go well. He cried and I cried on the inside. When I tried to talk to someone about it she just said well he probably had it coming. Why can't other people support rather than judging. Noone understands like a mother of a child who needs 24 monitoring, control and supervision. Take care and thanks for the post. I GET IT! Carmel

Jen said...

Beautiful post Laura. In fact, I was thinking of this post today as Addison sobbed hysterically and I almost did too over a site change....It hurts when our kids hurt and I still do cry too..I am sure I won't stop crying over seeing my child hurt EVER. XO.

Hallie said...

This is beautiful! I love it! I cry with you... because it hurts. Love you!

Misty said...

Oh my Laura! You are just beautiful! Inside and out! I love the pictures; I love your heartfelt words. <3