And then again when all of these young children were on stage . . .
|Lots of Cute T1 Peeps you may know in this picture.|
Look at these cuties. . .
|Liam, Elise and Nate|
Why do I still cry and get so emotional when discussing diabetes? Why?
I have friends and family members that have had T1 for years and are totally fine. I read blogs written by men and women that have had T1 for as long as they can remember and they are living happy, healthy, and successful lives. So, WHY do I CRY?
Well, sit down just a spell and let me tell you why -
Because diabetes SUCKS. That's right I said it - it sucks.
Sometimes I wonder if I cry more for me or for Nate? Well, some days I think I do cry for me and some days I cry for Nate.
On September 17th of 2009 - everything changed in my life. Everything.
My life is hard. Yep - I said it. It's hard. Not easy --- not a lot of easy over here at the Houston house.
Sometimes I just get sad. Sometimes I get mad. Pretty damn mad! Sometimes I just think - you know what? This is bullshit! Yep - I said bullshit.
It's BS that I have to use a lancet to cut my son's finger 12 times a day, make him bleed, so that I can test his blood glucose. Yes, that is BS. Nate doesn't even flinch - he's so strong and so tough and he is ONLY 2 years old. That is BS. If you are reading this and your 2-year old does NOT have diabetes - what do you think your child would do if you cut his finger and made him bleed even 1 time?
It's BS that a drug that smells like a big band-aid is infused into my son's body all day long and that stinky drug called insulin keeps him alive. It's BS that if I make just 1 tiny mistake with that insulin pumping through his body - he could DIE. See what I mean - total BS!
It's BS that I NEVER sleep. Seriously - Never! Anyone that knows me well knows that is not a good thing. It is my job to keep my son alive and it is a 24/7 job.
It's BS when people ask me - - - 'Why are you still checking him at night?' or 'When will you be able to stop checking him all night?'. I want to ask them when they would stop?!?! Would that be rude? If your child had a disease that could potentially kill them - when would you stop checking?
It's BS when people tell me --- Oh, my cousin's brother's son was diagnosed with T1 a couple of years ago. They're fine. Everything is fine. They have it totally under control. OK - calling BS on that. First of all if you tell me 'they have it under control' then you have no idea what the heck you are talking about. A person with diabetes can have good control but there is NO such thing as total control. Everything is a roller coaster with T1 especially with children. Another big fat BS when you tell me that 'they are fine'. Really? You know that for a fact? Or do you just assume because everything looks ok from the outside that everything is fine? I can pretty much GUARANTEE that everything is not fine on the inside --- I don't care how long it's been since the diagnosis there are still good days and bad days. I can GUARANTEE that every mom of a T1 still cries every now and then ---- if she doesn't then there is something wrong!!
It's BS that I am begging people for money to support the JDRF because MY son has diabetes. It's BS because I am asking (begging) my friends and my family to walk with us, support us and donate but I feel like I'm asking strangers. It's BS because I never see my friends anymore and when I do I'm sure they are sick and tired of me and my tired ass begging them to support MY cause. But what is NOT BS is that my son needs a cure and that is why I will keep begging anyone and everyone to help.
It's BS that I miss my normal, boring life. I miss my friends. I miss girls night out. I miss hanging out and chatting with other moms. Even when I try to do these things my brain is such mush from all of the numbers swirling around and the lack of sleep I feel like I'm not really there.
It's BS that I have to weigh, measure and count every little thing that goes into Nate's mouth. Seriously - it is SO much harder than it sounds.
It's BS that I cannot get insurance for my children. Yes, I know there are options out there but the options are BS.
It's BS that my 6 year old asked me the following question "Mom, if Nate has diabetes and Sophie has Crohn's --- what am I going to get?". That is BS.
Here's why I still cry - - - because when I look at my son he looks so healthy and beautiful but I know that his BG jumping all over the place. I know that that 325 that I saw on the meter this morning is BAD! It's really bad. I know that his life expectancy is shorter than you son's life expectancy --- what mom doesn't cry about that? A child's mortality is something a parent should NEVER have to think about and yet I think about it every day.
I cry because I want a cure so bad that I can almost taste it and yet somehow I won't allow myself to think about it.
I cry because I want to take this stupid disease away from my son --- I just want to grab it and take it away.
I cry because type 1 diabetes is so misunderstood and I want to tell the world all about it but when I try to discuss it all I can do is CRY.
That is all.
Tomorrow I will be back to sunshine and rainbows.