I've been pretty sad lately. The tears are always just a blink away. Some days are better that others but I have been pretty down. I simply think about Nate or Sophie's diseases and become overwhelmed. I don't really know of a better way to describe my feelings - - - just overwhelmed. Often mad but mostly sad and overwhelmed.
Just as I had to work my way through Nate's diagnosis I am now having to do the same with Sophie's illness. I feel like I had finally clawed my way out of the dark hole that I had been thrown into and for some reason I am slipping back down every time I think about my sweet girl.
I feel like I am on the edge. I've been here for a while now and it seems like every time I take a step back away from the edge. Something or someone pushes me back to the scary edge.
There are other things going on right now too that are just making things seem like the cards are stacked against me . . .
Family stuff that totally took me off-guard and really hurt my feelings.
A devastating diagnosis of someone I love so much my entire body hurts just thinking about what is to come.
Always the worry of all medical expenses.
The Perfect (diabetes) Storm that hit last week didn't really help. (I'll blog about soon)
Not being able to make Sophie feel better is killing me.
You think Type 1 is a misunderstood disease - - - Crohn's and Colitis are not even on the radar! Grrr!!
The other day when I was talking it over with my mom I did say - "Why me?"
--- I do SOMETIMES wonder why this is happening to me? And when is it going to stop? And why would someone say something like that about me? And what have I done to deserve this? And really maybe I do feel a little sorry for myself?
Why not me? Right?
So, after I was done with my pity party for one --- my mom and I decided that I needed to recognize 1 good, happy, positive, exciting, or rewarding thing each and every day. Nothing profound or life changing just baby steps to help me get through this funk one day at a time.
We started on Friday, April 8th and I've had to phone her or text her with 1 good thing each day ---
Here is my little list so far:
5. (4/12/11) I spent time with my dad (Bobby not Jerry - yes, I know it can get confusing since I call them both dad) and my Uncle David today on the East Side of Ft.Worth. It brought back such wonderful memories of my childhood. I even drove by my grandparents house (they've both been gone for close to 20 years) and felt like I was driving back in time. Nostalgic.
4. (4/11/11) My mom bought 2 Freestyle meters for the price of one at CVS (on sale and with a coupon). Silly but this made me happy because we were down to only our PDM for bg checks. I gave away a meter to someone in need and then our other one crapped out. Maybe this is really 2 good things for today! Exciting.
3. (4/10/11) My kids made me mud pies. Awesome kids.
2. (4/9/11) We had a wonderful day at the zoo and no low bgs for Nate. Fun and Happy.
1. (4/8/11) I witnessed a terrible hit and run accident while taking the girls to school Friday AM. Literally 1 or 2 seconds later and it would have been my truck that was hit right where Emma sits. The driver of the car that was hit was ok and luckily, he had just dropped his son off at school. I later found out from the insurance company (they called me for a witness statement) that another witness was able to get the license plate number of the runner. Thankful.
So, I am hoping to continue my 1 list here on my blog. So far, just talking or texting back and forth with my mom about my 1 thing has made me happy so I feel like it is a step in the right direction. I know I am stronger than this so it won't last but right now . . . well, right now it's tough.
I don´t have any words to say to you, Laura...
Because Iam on the same place that you are right now...
But,I don´t have a mother to help me...
Laurinda Matos - Portugal
My heart hurts when reading the first part because I sooo know that tunnel that you keep clawing your way out of. It is a dark, sad, lonely, pissy place.
Love your list. Keep it up and know we are here for you for the positives and to lift you when you are down.
Love to you and your beautiful family Laura.
Keep talking, Laura.
(and put your mom at the top of your thankful list ;-)
Email me sometime if you feel like it ... I understand more than you might think ...
Sending you tons of hugs, Laura. I've only "known" you for a few months, but I know in my heart you are a sweet, giving, loving soul and my heart breaks to think of someone hurting your feelings. It sounds like you have a totally awesome mom and I'm glad she's helping you feel better!
It's so funny you blog about this because the same thing happened to me last week - my MIL said some very unflattering things about me to my hubby and it shocked the hell out of me and came out of left field. It sucks. ((hugs))
Sweet, sweet Laura. Life has a way of knocking us up side the head and the pain is sometimes unbearable. I know you are on the right track (thanks to a very smart Mama) for balancing out the negative with a grateful heart.
Family strife is rough and the balance for that is you can choose your friends . . . ones who will always support and filter their words to be kind. I hope you feel the love from the DOC like I do . . . it keeps me sane!
Don't forget to give yourself some grace and allow those who love you to give a little extra to you when you are having a tough time.
Here's a great big ((hug)) from me!
Chrone's symptoms sound horrific. Coworker has daughter with Chrone's and the symptoms did not remain as severe as the initial few years. Can be less severe at times, more severe other times. A good doctor is very important (she went to numerous specialists before she found good treatment). Hoping you can get some relief for your daughter as I know you are both going through a very rough time. No, it is not fair; one chronic illness in a family is more than enough. Saying prayers your girl feels better soon.
I'm so sorry, Laura. I go through times where I feel like I'm trying to climb this big mountain but it's made of sand and I just can't get my footing, I just try to keep believing that it won't last forever... Still... It sucks. ((big hugs)). I love your list!
I wish I could REACH out and give you a BIG HUG and make it ALL BETTER! DIABETES sucks AND Crohn's and Colitis......I can not even BEGIN to imagine! WHY YOU???? I wish I had the answers.....it does not seem fair.
ONE thing I am THANKFUL for is your encouragement and friendship...and your willingness to share your feelings. I am also thankful for your wonderful MOMMA :) She sounds amazing too! XOXOXOXOXOXO You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
I love you too, Laura! You are such a HUGE part of the awesomeness that is the DOC! If I made a list, you would be on it many times. :) It does just suck when things/people bring you down though, especially when you feel like you were already hit by a train (or two!)and you are just trying to survive. Right after Aiden's dx, I forgot to tell a certain family member that there was a soccer game and she was so mad at me. I was thinking Really?! I just got hit by a train and haven't hardly slept at all, and I didn't even KNOW there was a darn soccer game and you aren't going to cut me a tiny bit of slack and forgive me for not telling you?! UGH!! She still doesn't act the same to me. Grrr! Her loss! :*( But it still sucks. Anyway, sorry to use your comments to vent, but I was thinking sometimes it feels good to just know others have been there. Love your list and I hope you get all of the positive things you deserve!!
I don't know if you listen to Christian music, but you need to get the song Stronger by Mandisa. It is amazing. I first heard it on the day of Matthew's 1st diaversary. (I hate that word....but you know what I mean.)
I just have to believe that God has a plan and this is going to make us stronger. And our kids....stronger. God is going to use this to make Nate and Sophie stronger.
Excellent song. And a good....truthful...blog post.
You're a good mom and God knows your kids need a good mom. That's why He chose you. For them.
Before they were born, He looked the whole world over, looking for the perfect mom for them.
You were the perfect choice. He knew they would need special care that ONLY YOU could provide.
You're doing a great job. Keep your chin up.
I read your post while I was waiting for Bean's BG to come up at 4 this morning but couldn't comment from my phone....said a prayer then and will continue. I'm just starting to come out of my dark place, so I can relate to where you are. I love the idea about finding something each day to be thankful for...need to do that myself to remind me that everything isn't terrible all the time!
Hang in there and know you are supported from both near and far!
I'm sorry you've been feeling so down lately, but I love how your mother is there for you. Trying to shift your focus to the positive is such a great idea! It's no wonder you're such a good mama! You had a wonderful role model! :) Hugs to you! Hope the skies seem more sunny and blue soon!
You're my hero. I've thought alot about you this week. My kids have been sick constantly (except Spring Break) since March 3rd. I've been going out of my mind. But I know my kids are going to get better. And my heart hurts knowing that I can't say the same about your kiddos. You love and care for your kiddos unconditionally. And you never complain. So, I'm glad to see that you are human and you have every right to kick and scream if you need to. All I can offer is support any time you need it. I know it's not enough but know that you are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers! Let's hope those prayers are answered soon.
laura, i am really smiling with your list. i will tell you since i have met you i have been looking into crohn's disease, and diabetes, i honestly had no idea what crohn's disease is and just knew a little about diabetes. I will tell you, that with all the posts and support systems that you have either started or been on, i can see you are a real comfort to a lot of people. Also i have seriously, not met a family that is so sweet and loving. I think that all of your kids are truly loved by you and your husband and everyone around them. That it really shows. I hope this helps a little. I don't know everything you are going through. i know it has to be hard, but i will tell you by looking at your kids i have never met kids that love their mom and dad so much. it truly shows.
You are really doing a good job, if you ever need a break or just help please let me know. I would love to help. My kids adore you kids. And i truly can't tell you that i think one of your kids are better than the other, because they are all truly sweet, loving, adorable and beautiful kids. =)
Laura, I am so sorry you have been in this crappy place. And even more sorry that I have been oblivious to it as I am consumed in my own silly nonsense that is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. What a committed loving mom to help you through this.
(Really glad you missed that accident)
Just a Mom
I AM a wife.
I AM the mom of 3 wonderful children.
I AM my son's pancreas.
The information provided on this blog is from our personal experiences with Type 1 diabetes. Because something works for us does not mean it will work for you.
Please consult your doctor if you have any questions or concerns about your health care options.
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