Houston . . . We have a Problem!: Three Weeks

7:13 PM

Three Weeks today. It has been three weeks, and the tears are still falling and falling and falling. I learned this week that it is ok to take my time and grieve on my timeline. There was a moment that I was feeling rushed and embarrassed for still grieving so hard, but this is my journey, and I plan on honoring and walking through the pain. Unfortunately, our culture does expect people to grieve quickly and move on. I think it is because grief makes other people uncomfortable. Even Ian is struggling with my sadness - it is tough for him to see me in so much pain. He wants to fix it for me, but that's just not possible.

I believe that friends thought after the memorial service I would have "closure," but I do not. I am glad we honored my dad and that friends and family were able to say their goodbyes, but I am not sure I am ready for closure.

Closure: a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.

Am I supposed to turn off my grief because we’ve had a memorial for my dad? I’m STILL grieving. My body aches, my heart hurts, and my mind races all of the time. Nothing for me is resolved.

  I can’t sleep. I want to sleep.

I can’t eat. I want to eat.

My body aches. Please stop aching.

My heart hurts. Please stop hurting.

My body is filled with dread. What am I dreading? Life without my dad? I can’t make the feeling go away.

Grief is very different for everyone who experiences it. Grief is messy and ugly and exhausting.

There are days that I don't get out of bed, days that I don't shower; everything feels so cumbersome and difficult to maneuver. Right now I am focusing on one breath, one step, repeat. I will continue to share my grief - honesty begins with us - it begins with me. There is no reason to rush through it - if it makes someone else feel uncomfortable, then that is their problem, not mine. I do not say that unkindly but rather to let others know that it is ok to grieve when and where and how you need to.

One Breath. One Step. Repeat.

Dad's presence will always be with me - all I have to do is look in a mirror and he's right there.