There are so many emotions involved when one of you children is ill. Seeing what I've seen Sophie go through in the last few weeks has really taken a toll on me emotionally. Diabetes has already forced me to dig deep and find strength inside of me that I never knew that I had --- I wonder --- is there any left?
Sophie's diagnosis came less than a year after Nate's so I'm pretty sure I was still numb so I was not able to feel the emotions from another diagnosis. I'm feeling them now. Just like before I find it quite easy to put on a smile for my sweet girl but give me one stolen moment alone and I am a bawling mess.
The good news is I've been here before and I know I will find my way out. It's dark but there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I'm pretty good at seeking it out.
As I sit here in the hospital with my daughter it has become clear how amazingly ok I am with Nate's type 1 diabetes. Don't get me wrong, it took a long time to get here but here I am. Somewhere along the way I accepted the fact that Nate has type 1 and he IS going to be ok. More than ok --- he is going to be amazing. I think reading Phil Southerland's book, Not Dead Yet really helped me realize that there is so much Nate can accomplish despite having diabetes. Yes, he may have to work a little harder, dig a little deeper and bolus a little more but I know he can and will. In my eyes it has already made him so much stronger than any other 3 year old I know. Just think how awesome he is going to be at 10, 16, 21 and so on.
I struggle with Sophie's dx a little more I think because of diabetes. Let me explain. Although diabetes can be a bitch! I mean BI-ATCH! I know that I can work my ass off and keep Nate in good health --- I'm not saying we don't have bad days, highs, lows or all the struggles that come along with T1 but after almost 2 years I feel like I have come to terms with the diagnosis and know that we will all be ok. I'm guessing that right now Sophie's diagnosis is so hard because we are right in the middle of the trenches fighting as hard as we can to get her better. The hardest part is there is NOTHING THAT I CAN DO.
NOT ONE THING.
Her disease cannot be controlled by me. As hard as I fight for her health her disease has a mind of it's own. I know we preach that insulin is not a cure for T1 but we can work hard, not sleep, count carbs, weigh food and keep these kids as healthy as possible with all of our hard work and it just doesn't work that way for Sophie. It makes me so mad!!! And sad!!! And I think I'll go beat the hell out of a pillow now.
I truly hope this post doesn't offend anyone. Please know that I know as well as anyone how hard T1 is and would never, ever want to make it seem easy. It's not. Period. It's just that I feel like I (occasionally) can control Nate's health with all of the hard work we put into his D care. Sadly, there is nothing I can do for my sweet Sophie to keep her healthy and strong and that makes me MAD AS HELL!
Okay --- going to beat pillow NOW.