Here's the low down on my down low - - -
After Nate was born I wanted to make sure that we were totally and completely DONE. We were totally and completely done after Sophie but then I got pregnant in the spring/summer of 2007. Wow! It was one of those little surprises that we didn't ask for but we quickly adjusted our plans and became super excited about baby #3! What would it be . . . another girl for the Houston family? Maybe a boy this time? Wow - what would we do with a boy? My due date was January, 29, 2008. Two of my close friends were pregnant at the same time and all 3 of us had due dates within days of one another. It was SO exciting!
That summer Jim's family joined us for a week of 4th of July festivities and we were so thrilled to have everyone in town at one time. We were all down at our lake house which is about 90 miles from home (& civilization) when I started bleeding. Nothing major at 1st so I didn't even worry. But, by day 2 of bleeding Jim's step-mom drove me into town (about a 20 minutes drive) to the local hospital. This town is so small that they had no one there to perform a sonogram but that didn't really matter because I really don't even think they had an operating sonogram machine. They did the best they could but pretty much told me to ride it out at home.
I packed up the girls and drove myself home. I needed to see for myself. I went into to my OB's office for a sonogram and saw that sweet baby in my womb. I've seen enough sonograms to know what I was looking at. There he/she was sitting so still and so quiet. No heartbeat. None at all. Heartbreaking to say the very least. I had carried that sweet baby for 15 weeks of his/her life and it was devastating to have to say goodbye.
After a few weeks Jim and I discussed having another baby. He said no, I said yes and by October we were pregnant again. Baby Nate was born June 23rd, 2008. What a joy and a blessing he has been in our life. BUT, we really were done this time. I needed to be sure that next time I got baby fever I was not able to easily seduce my husband and BLAM have #4.
My doctor told me about an easy procedure called Essure. It was what seemed like a quick, easy and painless alternative to tubal ligation. I should have known better. The 1st attempt was unsuccessful. They were unable to complete the procedure because of some swelling in my tubes. It hurt like hell why would I want to try that again? I have no idea but decided to try again about a month later and it was successful but it still hurt like hell! I'm a little fuzzy on the dates but I think the procedure was in November and I was supposed to follow up in February with a with an Essure confirmation test. The day the test was scheduled there was a terrible ice storm in the area and everything was closed! I never rescheduled.
By March I was having terrible pelvic pain that no one would/could diagnose. I had a CT scan but the radiologist had no idea what was causing the pain. I went to my OB and he was clueless too. I told them that it felt like something was stabbing me from the inside. I told them that I was sure there was something wrong with the Essure procedure but I was assured there was no problem with the Essure.
In June I collapsed in pain while carrying Nate to bed. I have had 3 children - that is a lot of contractions and they were nothing compared to this pain. OH. MY. GOD! Please take away the pain! I called my parents and they drove me to the ER where they were sure that I had kidney stones. They preformed a CT without contrast to confirm the diagnosis but it was not a kidney stone at all. The radiologist had no idea what the problem was but he knew that there was a problem. They decided to do another CT this time with contrast to try and figure our exactly what was going on. After the 2nd CT they came in and told us that there was so much internal bleeding in my abdomen that they were going to have to get me checked in and do exploratory surgery to get it all figured out. In the mean time I am still in pain - A LOT of pain. I have a morphine drip that is doing absolutely nothing for the pain. I seriously thought I was going to die.
The next morning my OB came in and we settled on a time for the surgery. I was put at ease knowing we would soon figure it out and everything would be alright. Just before surgery the pre-op nurse asked me if I would like to try to pee so that we could avoid a catheter. Ummm - Yes! So, I shuffled my way into the restroom and peed in the little Dixie cup like any catheter fearing woman would!
I had my gown on, little surgery socks keeping my feet nice and warm, my lovely hair net was in place and the anesthisiologist was ready to knock me out. Oh yea, baby! Momma is going to dreamland see you people later. Just as I was about to close my eyes and let the euphoria of the medicine take over my doctor rushed in to tell me there was a change of plans. No, no, no - PLEASE, no change of plans!! The last nurse had done a pregnancy test on the urine in my little Dixie cup and it came out positive. The medicine was kicking in, I was going under, and my eyes were rolling back into my head. What? What did he say? Pregnant again? Oh my!
When I woke up I was dazed and confused to say the least. Unfortunately, it was an ectopic pregnancy and my fallopian tube had ruptured. Hmmm. Well, that explains the pain. I was pretty upset about the loss of another baby but my grief to a back burner to my recovery. It was amazingly painful. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and this was almost more than I could stand!
The grief did come and I dealt with it - am dealing with it. It is a hard thing to understand. I try not to question it but how can I not? Why would God take a baby away from me the 1st time and now why give me another to only take it away too? The last thing I remember saying before surgery is "I don't care what it is - make it go away!". I know I was talking about the pain but those were hurtful words once I discovered what was causing the pain.
So, I survived June and headed into July. I was still having pain and a lot of bleeding. My doctor and I decided we would try the ablation to help with the pain and the bleeding. Unfortunately, they both continued and with every cycle it was getting worse. Jim and I were really beginning to track the pain - when it started, when it ended, where I was in my cycle and rate the pain. Then September came and Nate was diagnosed with Type 1 and everything related to this problem was set on the back burner.
Here we are now in January and this last week has been pure hell. It was the most painful cycle yet. So much pain that we decided to do a sonogram to make sure there were no other complications. The pain is intense and so strong it brings me to tears. It is all on the right side of my lower abdomen. It is the Essure. The metal coil is still in my right tube and it is causing almost as much pain as the ectopic. It must come out!
The only way to get it out is to do a hysterectomy and at this point I am fine with that. Take it all out, baby! I want it gone. My plan of action is to remove the uterus and the tubes but leave the ovaries. I have no risk (that I know of) of ovarian cancer or breast cancer so I am leaving those little hormone producing babies in there.
I am both looking forward to and terrified of this surgery -
It is scheduled for January 18th @ 11a.
I'm so sorry for all your losses. That must have been so hard to go through. I myself have never gone through this but have know a few women who have and it is heart wrenching.
Good luck with your surgery and if you don't mind me asking are they removing your cervix? My mother had a hysterectomy a while back and she kept her cervix because she read that it supported your bladder.
Oh Laura! I am so sorry. How terrible.
The pain of losing a child is a hurt that never goes away. Every life is precious- no matter how long, no matter if it was planned or not.
I am so sorry you have been thru so much. You are a strong woman. You are doing a great job!
If there is anything I can do from a far- let me know! I can send you funny stories or tell you all my most embarrassing moments to give you a laugh! And I'll be praying....! Hugs!
Laura...what a year! I'm so glad you are able to get this physically over and done with. I pray everything goes smoothly and your recovery is remarkable!
I lost a little one at about 12 weeks. I remember looking at the screen, searching for the heartbeat. It was all so heartbreaking. I'm sorry for your losses.
What a trooper you are. Good thing this'll be taken care of soon.
Though you may not be able to see it yet, or maybe ever, there is a plan The Lord has for you. The pain and sorrow is all for a purpose. Sometimes we wonder what that purpose is, but He will guide you and keep you if you let Him. I tend to think of these things as strength training. :)
Laura ~ I wish you a successful surgery and a speedy recovery. It was so great to meet you in person last week. I will keep you and your sweet family in my prayers and envy you getting rid of the monthly "visitor" and ending the awful pain. Take of yourself!
Just a Mom
I AM a wife.
I AM the mom of 3 wonderful children.
I AM my son's pancreas.
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