Last night it dawned on me that I have neglected several important things in my life since Nate’s diagnoses (9/17/09). I am going to share them here in hopes that it motivates me to make some much-needed changes. Here we go:
- Me. I have completely neglected myself since Nate’s diagnosis. Last night as I was soaking in the tub I realized that it had been a very long time since I had taken a nice, long hot soak. Do not worry folks, I shower daily, I’m talking about a nice hot bath just to relax and unwind. While there I realized that I probably had not shaved my legs in . . . well, it had been a while! Nice. I also realized that I have not worked out one time since Nate’s dx – not one time. What? So, that’s how these 10 pounds have crept up on me. I run – I am a runner – I like to run – I have not run since 9/16/09. So, that’s why my head is so foggy and my butt it getting so big. Seriously. Starting tomorrow, I will run again. It’s time to start taking care of me again. If I want to start feeling half way normal again I need to start taking care of me again.
- My Husband. My husband, Jim is the love of my life, my rock, my anchor . . . well, you get the idea. I love him! Since 9/17 my complete focus has been on our son, Nate. Jim has told me that he will never question my love and devotion to our children but I am sure he is questioning my love and devotion to him at this point. We seem to move past each other in the hall without saying much and I know it is because my full focus has been on Nate and his damn diabetes. Jim and I do not see eye to eye on Nate’s care but we need to come together and work together to stay together. I need to find a way to take care of Nate, my other 2 children and still make my husband feel as if he is still the most important person in my life. I’m still working on this one.
- My Girls. Emma (5) and Sophie (3) are two little rays of sunshine in my very cloudy world. They have no way of knowing how exhausted I am, no way of knowing that I am still grieving for their brother’s health, and no way of understanding why mommy is so grumpy all of the time. Starting today, I am changing for my girls. I love them so much and have missed so much the past 7 weeks while being away from them while in the hospital and then being completely overwhelmed while at home. Starting today no more grumpy mommy!
- My Friends. I miss my friends but I am finding it very hard to be around them. They have been SO great during the last 2 months or so since Nate’s dx. We actually had dinner provided for 6-weeks after we came home from the hospital. What a life saver that was. They have been amazing! What is hard however, is just being around my friends and their kids who get to eat whatever they want whenever they want. No measuring, no weighing, no waiting, no shots, no finger pricks and no diabetes. It sucks! It sucks because I can’t just go grab lunch with my friends and their children anymore without it being a huge ordeal. We have to eat at a certain time, I start freaking out if the food takes too long or if there is any delay at all. Nate can’t just munch on chips and tortillas anymore like the other kids so he is screaming the entire time because he knows when we sit at a table it’s time to eat. It’s just not fair! He doesn’t understand why he can’t have all the yummy stuff that all of the other kids get to have. Again, it’s just not fair and it’s just not that fun! I miss my friends but they do not understand what it is like to have a child with T1 and that makes it hard for me and probably hard for them too.
I think that the problem is that with any grieving there is that point where you have to get back into your normal life and that is so hard. It is hard because so much has changed – it’s the acceptance of the change that makes me want to stay in one place and not move forward. If I accept it then it is real and I’m not ready to deal with the reality of it all just yet. I will work on the things that I can change and move forward little by little. I will do it for me, my family and for my friends.