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Sunday, January 7, 2018

Baby Steps

9:17 PM

Journaling from January 7, 2018 (9:17 PM)

I’m super tired tonight but wanted to document my day. - Today was so much better than yesterday. I had brunch with a great friend, and we spent hours chatting about our dads. It was therapeutic for us both.

♥️ -Bonus! I put on jeans AND a bra today!

🙌🏼 Baby Steps.

My mom & pop came over to bring some of my favorite comfort food this afternoon. I do love food! I think the entire family was thankful for some home cooking. Three of our neighbors have either brought food or offered to bring food, so my kids are feeling more confident about their ultimate survival this week. We somehow have 16 boxes of cereal, but we seem to be entirely out of milk. It’s fine; it’s fine.

It was nice to sit and chat about Dad. Being an only child, I’ve felt a bit alone with my childhood memories of Dad. It was nice to talk with my mom about my dad and look at super old pictures. She helped fill in some of the gaps.

I read her what I’ve written so far for my dad’s memorial we both laughed and cried. Which is about how my entire day has gone. Laughing and crying. It felt good to laugh today.

This week will be tough. Saturday is going to be wonderfully awful. I need the closure, but I also know it will make everything feel so final.

Thanks to everyone for all of your kind words, comments, private messages, texts, and calls. Each one has touched my heart.

This picture has been framed on my dad’s desk for as long as I can remember. It’s now perfectly placed (in the same broken frame) on my bedside table.

♥️

Again, FB automatically tagged Dad in this photo. It missed me this time. Thankfully FB didn’t recognize my naked little booty.

— with Bobby Williams.

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Prom Pictures with Dad and More Grief

2:28 PM

Journaling from Sunday, January 7, 2018 (1:29 AM)

It’s so late, but I just can’t sleep tonight. Today has been my worst day so far. I really can’t believe there are tears left. There were so, so many tears and even full-blown snot bubbles. Gross. I’m disgusting. I cried so hard tonight that I threw up. I miss my dad so much. The thought of not seeing him ever again is just too much.

We’ve been working on his memorial and tribute video. I’ve listened to 1 million of the saddest songs ever. I’m still listening to them. I can’t stop. We had such a special relationship - not like a ‘Butterfly Kisses’ relationship but more like a ‘That’s My Job’ by Conway Twitty relationship. I’ve always been a full-time job! He was my guy! The one that bailed me out of all of my messes! So many messes! I even miss him rolling his eyes at me. I miss everything about him.

On another note, I got angry at Ian today. For no reason. Just because anger and he’s been so patient with me. There’s a spot on his chest that holds all of my tears. Every shirt he’s worn this week has my tears on them. He holds me and lets me cry. Sometimes he cries with me, but he’s been my rock. - Baby! This is me thanking you for loving me through this. Snot bubbles and all.

Since I’m so sad and feel a bit bad for being so depressing every day, I’ll share some awesome 1990s prom pictures for your enjoyment. My kids think they’re hilarious!

1990 Junior Year - my dad wore his usual clothes - he lived in coaching shorts!

1991 Senior Year - I feel like my mom, Cheryl Doublin DeJulius probably bossed him and made him wear a suit for the prom pictures. Bossy pants. She may have even bought it for him

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Friday, January 5, 2018

Grumpy Smiles

2:19 PM

Journaling from Friday, January 5th, 2018

I’m so tired tonight. Grief is exhausting. Today marks one week without my dad. It was a terrible morning filled with a lot of tears but I showered, dressed, and got out of the house. Still in sweatpants but there was a bra today!

I got to spend some time with my step-mom, Jeri Williams this afternoon. We were trying to narrow down the 487 photos that we had collectively gathered, scanned, and uploaded of Dad. I felt like we made excellent progress, but I think we only got our ‘favorites’ folder down to 325 for the memorial. We both laughed and cried while looking through all of the photos together.

I especially loved looking at old photos of Dad when my girls were babies!! They love their Grumpy and Nana so much! Here are a few of our favorites today. They’re mostly of Emma and Sophie ... I think because Nate never slowed down enough for pictures unless his blood sugar was low. Then he would sit w his Grumpy.

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Thursday, January 4, 2018

Grief is Exhausting

5:08 PM

Today was much like the days before except I got up out of bed this morning and helped get the kiddos back to school. That was exhausting.

I put on pants. Sweatpants. But no bra. It’s fine; it’s fine. I took Emma to the orthodontist, but I didn't go inside because... no bra.

I mostly went through pictures of my dad all day. I love looking at pictures of him, and today I super love this one

♥️. Facebook tagged my mom, my dad, and me which is rather impressive.

My dad’s pants are amazing! Does that tie match the pants? What is happening there?

My mom’s outfit is on point! She looks so cute. I bet she made my dad go to church for Easter. I bet he rolled his eyes - a lot.

And you can see - I’m a snappychat filter before snappychat filters were even a thing.

🐰

My parents divorced before my 1st birthday, so I don’t remember them being married at all. They couldn’t be more opposite, so I always laugh a little when I see them together as a couple. They both have told me that I’m the only good thing that came from their marriage, but I only remember them getting along always and loving me so well my entire life. All (almost) 45 years of it. Parenting goals!

— with Cheryl Doublin DeJulius and Bobby Williams.

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Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Breaking Down

4:47 PM

Another tough day. I stayed in bed most of the day. I couldn’t find the strength to remove myself from its comfort. It’s like my fortress of denial. I just want to sleep and forget the world around me. In my fortress, I’m safe and don’t have to face the reality of the world continuing to turn.

When I was at Target yesterday, I bought all the jammies I could find. My thinking at the time was that I don’t want to get dressed and function so I’ll just buy all jammies ... I’ll never get dressed again anyway.

Unfortunately, my current mom status doesn’t allow such indulgences. Around two this afternoon I removed myself from my bed and showered. Then dressed. Not in jammies.

Ian and I took the kids to see Jumanji which was very good. I laughed at the movie but then cried because... grief.

I’ve been most worried about Nate. He’s taken my dad’s death the hardest. He told me “Mommy, I cried harder than Emma and Sophie.” He and Dad had a special bond because I’m relatively sure dad always wanted an athletic son and well, all he got was me!! So Nate was the next closest thing!! They also both had insulin pumps, Dexcoms, blood sugar checks, and all of the exhausting things that go along with diabetes. I think they admired each other’s strength equally. This picture was taken Saturday the 23rd as our family was all together celebrating the holidays.

❤️

As I was writing this and worrying about Nate this evening, it was Emma that had a complete breakdown. I found her sobbing in her room. Tomorrow is her 1st basketball game since Christmas break and Saturday when we saw Grumpy he promised her he would be there. We cried and cried. And then cried some more. She will be ok - we will be ok but tomorrow will be tough.

I’ve always felt like a strong warrior mom since I’ve always fought fiercely for them but this fight isn’t for them - it’s for me, and it’s so hard. I just feel tired and broken and sad.

Edited to add that I read every comment and I’m so grateful for each and every one. They’ve made me laugh, cry, and feel so less alone on this journey.

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Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Grieving

9:34 AM

Today I woke up so very sad. I wondered if I was crying in my dream or if I just never stopped from the night before?! It was the first day Ian has gone to work since before Christmas. He was gone when I woke up, being completely alone with my sadness was overwhelming. Probably needed but still overwhelming.

The kiddos returned home today, so I knew I had to attempt a bit of normalcy before they arrived. I had to go to Target to return some sheets I purchased for dad’s hospice bed, pick up some milk, and other household staples. The familiarity of Target and grocery shopping was too much. I cried a lot at the Target.

Surely, there should be some sign we should be able to wear when we are grieving to let others know - perhaps the homeless chic attire should have given it away, but I’m fairly sure I looked like that most days even while my dad was still alive. We need something more obvious - like the Scarlet Letter but instead of an A perhaps just G for grieving or an M for mourning?!?

Someone honked at me today while I was driving and I screamed inside my car ... MY DAD JUST DIED! Then I laughed at myself until I started crying again. Is that even normal? I’m going with yes, yes it is.

I picked up ESN from their dad’s house this afternoon. I screamed at them on the drive home and used 327 F-Bombs because Sophie and Nate immediately started fighting in the backseat. Then I started cry-yelling (that’s a word!) at them that I would never ever see my dad again. Then we all started crying. For sure not one of my finest mom moments. I can only hope that they will show me so much grace and one day understand that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to navigate as a parent.

So, that’s my day in a nutshell. I probably won’t share every day but writing is my therapy, and one year from today I will be able to look back and see how far I’ve come ...

I love that when I loaded this photo, Facebook automatically tagged my dad.

♥️

— with Bobby Williams.

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Monday, January 1, 2018

Losing my Dad ...

11:38 AM

On Christmas morning my dad had a massive stroke and passed away peacefully in his sleep surrounded by love on December 29th.

It feels like half of me is missing. There are no adequate words to describe the emptiness, the pain, the absolute heartbreak. I don’t even know how to live in a world without my dad. I thought for a moment I was out of tears, but they continue to fall and fall and fall. At times it’s hard to breathe, and my body aches to hug him one more time. I am broken. How do I go on without half of my heart?

Being ever stubborn, he did not want a funeral or any fuss over him. To respect his request, we will have a tree of life dedication and dinner for family only on January 13th.

Following our private family time we will have a Celebration of Life at Volcano Sports Bar and Grill at 5:00 pm where we will have a drink, toast his wonderful life, and of course, play a few rounds of shuffleboard in his honor.

In lieu of flowers, we ask that donations be made to Camp Sweeney. Dad loved watching Nate and his shenanigans at diabetes camp last summer so much. We would be so honored to be able to send another boy or girl to camp this summer in my dad’s name.

Jeri Williams, David Williams, myself, and the entire Williams family thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support. Please continue to share pictures and stories amongst yourselves and with us. Please say his name out loud and remember him often, let his memory bring a smile to your heart.

Donations to Camp Sweeney:
https://www.campsweeney.org/sponsor-a-camper/

Volcano Sports Bar and Grill
129 E. Hardwood Rd.
Hurst, TX 76054

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each and every highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all, and I stood tall
And did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that
And may I say - not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes, it was my way

-Frank Sinatra (and Bobby Don Williams