Monday, February 26, 2018

Alone

I wrote this last week.  Last week was a BAD week for me emotionally.  The weather was grey and rainy every day, and I struggled to get out of bed daily (but I did it). Maybe it was the weather, maybe just a huge wave of grief.  Either way, this week feels so much better already, but I want to share still since I haven't been journaling publicly for the last few weeks and because I know there are others that feel the same way.  

"Grief comes in unexpected surges...mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.  It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest twisting me inside out...then recedes." - Tony Talbot

I’ve been told on numerous occasions that grief is a lonely journey.  I agree.  

I’ve also been told that everyone grieves differently and in their own way.  Again, I agree. 

-My grief feels heavy.  Like I’m weighted down.  I know I’m not alone, but my sadness makes me feel isolated.  

It seems that we are a community (saying a nation feels too big for my world) of people that find it uncomfortable when others are grieving.  My friends and family want me to ‘be happy’ or ‘be better’ or ‘be fine’ because grief makes people uncomfortable.  I’m trying to accept that this is their issue, not mine.  It’s nonetheless stressful when it feels as if I’m being rushed through my grief.  I’ve learned to tell people what I need from them; I’ve learned to tell loved ones what is and isn’t helpful for me.  This is a huge step for me! 

Honestly, I’m not fine right now. And that’s ok.  Losing my dad is huge. I'm still trying to process living the rest of my life without him. 

My mom and dad have loved me since the moment I was born. My mom often tells me that’s she’s loved me since the moment I was conceived.  No one else on this earth has loved me longer, harder, or more unconditionally than my parents. 

My dad was the 1st man that I loved— My 1st love ❤️.  We’ve loved each other for 45 years so how is it that I should not grieve him the same amount of time? 

I miss him.  I will always miss him. And right now that makes me incredibly sad.  

Of course, there are days that I go through the motions of my everyday life, but there is an underlying sadness that fills me.  My heart aches, my chest hurts, and tears still streak my face daily.  

When there is a moment of happiness I feel like he is there with me which should make me happy, but more often than not it circles me back to my sadness. 

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a scheduled check-up, but instead of doing the blood work and check up she ended up prescribing Zoloft and told me to come back in 4 weeks.  I hesitated to fill the prescription but the thought of something being able to lessen the pain did sound enticing.  The hesitation continued, and it took me a few days to pick it up. Once I picked it up, I read everything about it and the possible side effects.   I decided to go for it - what could I possibly have to lose at this point?  

My day one was awful - I was SUPER nauseated, weak, my heart was racing, and my anxiety was through the roof.  I had read that some of that was normal, so I tried again the next day with the same symptoms but so much worse. I couldn’t even get out of bed I was so sick.   

I decided not to try it again.  The doctor encouraged me to try a step-up dose, but I’ve decided not to go that route. I think I just need to walk through the grief and pain and mourn when I need to mourn.  I know this year will be hard - but I’m pretty strong, so I am going to power through and just allow myself to feel every bit of it.  

My decision not to take the Zoloft is mine and mine alone.  I do not think there is anything wrong with taking it - I know it can help.  I just don't think it is the right decision for me right now.  

To live into the future depends on my response to the reality of what I am experiencing. Temporarily, I need to create insulation from the full force of what I am coming to know.  If I felt it all at once, I might die. But feel it I must.  - Understanding Your Grief

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I found these pictures in a scrapbook that I made Dad years ago so I thought I would share them here since they made me smile. 

This one is me and Dad at Joe T Garcia's I think for my 18th birthday - our favorite restaurant ever!  We had so many special meals and memories there!


I don't remember where this one was taken but I think it was perhaps Christmas Eve and I was in my early twenties.


This one was at his house - I was again in my early twenties and had just chopped off my hair and started wearing it straight & he thought it was awesome! 


And this one just makes me laugh because I am wearing a Christmas sweater and he is wearing Christmas suspenders and I think we are being serious! 




Just a Mom

I am NOT a doctor, nor do I play one on this blog.

I AM a wife.
I AM the mom of 3 wonderful children.
I AM my son's pancreas.

The information provided on this blog is from our personal experiences with Type 1 diabetes. Because something works for us does not mean it will work for you.

Please consult your doctor if you have any questions or concerns about your health care options.

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