Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Mommy Guilt, Exhaustion and WTF?!

It's Wednesday!  Woot - that's the day after Tuesday.  And  . . . the day after Emma's 7th birthday.
So, since we are starting with Emma's birthday ---- let's talk about Mommy Guilt.
I've got it.  It sucks.

Last months Sophie turned 5 and Emma's b-day was yesterday.  We've done a joint b-day party for them every year since Sophie's 1st b-day.  They are so fun - - - I have to admit - - - I've always been that mom that goes a little over the top (not WAY over the top) when planning parties.  I love party planning and these are my 2 favorite girls so - you know - I go with it!  We've had huge princes parties with Belle, Cinderella and Jasmine in attendance, we've celebrated at Disney World, a big Barbie and the Diamond Castle dance party and Pump - Pump - Pump it up parties!

Guess what kind of party they got this year ---- can you guess?  Ummm - yea - NO Party.  Nothing - not even a family party.  I couldn't even get my shit together enough to pick out a restaurant to take them to this weekend to celebrate with my parents.  Finally, my dad just chose a spot because we had a coupon from the Passport book (love the Passport book)!  Seriously?

I wanted to do something - but it just didn't happen.  I'm so sad about it.  The girls haven't even mentioned it.  Have they really not noticed?

I thought about doing a slumber party - how hard can that be - right?  Wrong.  The very thought of it threw me into a tailspin.

Sleep around here is precious - I get very little and the thought of inviting little people over here all night to NOT sleep - no thanks!  So, again that makes me so sad!  My girls are missing out on things because I'm just too tired to deal with it.

What makes it even worse is how guilty I feel about how much time and energy I put into the JDRF walk last year.  I busted my butt, worked day and night, planning, making shirts, raising money and  hosting fund-raisers and I couldn't put a little party together for my girls.  WTF is wrong with me?

Is it depression or just exhaustion?  I really don't know.  It's something!

To make things worse yesterday Emma said "Mommy, I know your favorite place in the whole world!"
"Your bed!"


I try to catch naps when Jim is home and I think that Emma just thinks I'm one big, fat, lazy mommy!  Ugh!
Shoot me now!

Parties Past . . .

Emma 3 - Sophie 1

Sweet SophieBelle

Emma 4 - Sophie 2 - Nate in my tummy!

B-day with Cinderella - AWESOME!

The Royal Family - Sophie 3 - Emma 5
One Rockin' Princess Dance Party!

Obviously - 4 and 6 here!  :)

Super Fun Pump It Up Party!!

I think I just need some sleep.  Real sleep - like 1 night of uninterrupted sleep. Ok - maybe 2 or 3 nights of uninterrupted sleep, a 4 hour massage, followed by a facial and a couple of days of drinking Pina Coladas on the beach!  Yep - I'm pretty sure that would cure me!


Lora said...

Sweet Laura - don't be so hard on yourself! Big, extravagant birthday parties are fun, and kids always enjoy themselves. But, the truth is, they don't care half as much as the adult planning the party does. They just want to be loved and it looks as though they are overflowing with that! :)

Even if your children don't understand what you are going through now, there will come a day when they will remember what you did and be in awe of the love and care you gave to them.

To everything there is a season....right now is your season to deal with diabetes - whatever that means. Children are so much more flexible, understanding, and forgiving than we realize. YOU ARE DOING FANTASTIC!!!!

P.S. Sleep, massages, booze, etc. are not to be underestimated, either! :)

I don't have much to offer other than a gentle reminder to be kinder to yourself. Sometimes we have it in us, and sometimes we don't, and that's OK. (((hugs)))

Oh, Laura, I can SO relate to how you're feeling and how your girls ended up with no party this year. I always figure that your birthday is your one special day. So I always whoop it up for the kids on their birthdays and try to make them feel like the amazing kids I think they are. I put my all into their parties. And this year, you know what we did when Madeline turned 9? NOTHING! Her birthday falls shortly after the JDRF Walk and Thanksgiving, which we were hosting. Hanukkah fell at the beginning of December, right after her birthday. I didn't have it in me to plan and host a party, too, but then the guilt got to me. I couldn't take it. She deserved at least some sort of a celebration. So, a month later, I threw her a surprise party at the local pizza/video game place. She had no clue it was coming. I invited only her closest friends. It was one of the best birthday parties we've ever had. She loved it! And she didn't care that it was held a month after her birthday. Give yourself some time. If you still feel guilty and want to do something, consider a small-scale surprise party. Just an idea... :)

Penny said...

Oh Laura it's ok. I know that's a cliche to say, but really, it's ok. You know what, you can do a birthday party any time. Weeks from now, months from now, when you are in a different place mentally. Your girls love you and you have such a wonderful family, that it will be ok. That's what they will remember about their birthdays, how you made them feel. So leave Nate home with Daddy, take those girls out for a Mommy and me date that you can swing and call it a day. Take it easier on yourself, you are one woman fighting diabetes with everything she has. You are amazing and wonderful and a great mom, always remember that.

Sarah said...

Laura-they love you, they enjoy you, they don't NEED a party - just you. Enjoy their special days and know that when things settle down (or they're old enough to help) parties will be flowing again. I think parties are great, but really it seems like a lot of them are so out of hand now and when, for us, money is tight we have to scale back and remember what is important. So, Happy Birthday to your girls and know that you are a great mom.

They know you love them. That is all that matters. Memories can be made in all different ways. I bet you can capture some lovely moments with a camera to commemorate the milestones they have just passed. It doesn't have to include a big bunch of people.

Everyone nailed it. But Im going to say it again, youre amazing.

They KNOW how much you love them. I too feel like shit when I cant the things I used to do, but at the end of the day that doesnt define your love for them.

Think of all the rich lil kids with amazing parties who see their parents once a month, and have NO support.

It means nothing. Your love means everything, and they know it!


Seriously- I agree with all the above!! Plan a party later. Do a swimming party or have a luau when it warms uP. Make it a girls only day and take them for manis and pedis. But most of all- give yourself a break!!! It's ok. It does not mean you are lazy or anything like that. It means you are human. And that's ok!!! One thing... Invite me and Sweets if you do have a party!!! We wanna come!!

Anonymous said...

Laura... I also don't have much to add, except to offer a quote-cliche: "We are our own worst critics." Your girls are beautiful and I'm sure it's just the sleeplessness building up on you. Hope some rest comes your way, and you can avoid those What The Fructose moments as much as possible. Best to you, and keep being the great mom that you clearly are based on the evidence in these posts.

Michelle said...

I agree with what everyone else has said! But I know how you feel...I get mommy guilt about things all the time...I'm definitely harder on myself than others are on me. The most important thing is that they know you love them...and I'm sure they do!

Please go easy on yourself. It's ok! You're a great mom!

We just can't keep all the balls in the air all of the time. Sometimes something has to be put aside just so we don't crack irreperably. I'm all for D-Mom retreat! Three days on a quiet beach with no one to take care of and no thoughts of diabetes. Oh, and those lovely frosty drinks ;)

Unknown said...

I'm going to put my arms around you and say nothing at all (((HUGS))) because I know those babies think you're the best mother in the whole wide world!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hug! Hug! Hug! You are a great mommy and your girls feel loved...I can just tell! Your kids know that life isn't about the big is about the culmination of all the small moments.

Oh hunny. Don't fret. Kids are resilient and honestly they probably don't mind that this birthday was low key. You are a wonderful mom. You love them. That's what is most important. AND we love you too. You are wonderful. Don't forget it. Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've had a rough couple months too. But I'm back and even managed a few blog updates! Heart you!! DNQ. :)

Misty said...

Laura, it's ok to take your cape off once in a while. You know, the Super Mommy one! Your kids are sooo adorable and happiness just bounces right off their pictures.

I completely understand the feelings you are having though. Seems like I feel that way a lot lately. Wish we lived closer so we could give each other "time-outs" when needed :)

Anna said...

so sorry you are feeling this way. sleep is very underrated in our society, but man does it make a difference in what you can accomplish. Maybe your kids will never understand that, but sleep is so vital. I hope you get a couple days on the beach. I dream of it every night to help me fall back asleep after the 2 a.m. check. ;)

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Just a Mom

I am NOT a doctor, nor do I play one on this blog.

I AM a wife.
I AM the mom of 3 wonderful children.
I AM my son's pancreas.

The information provided on this blog is from our personal experiences with Type 1 diabetes. Because something works for us does not mean it will work for you.

Please consult your doctor if you have any questions or concerns about your health care options.

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