Wednesday, April 14, 2010

What I wish I could say . . .

Today was one of those days that just did not turn out the way I had planned.  You know the ones!
It started with Nate's 3:00 AM check - he was at 79 which is not terrible but he had been at 180 (perfect) at 10:00 PM, then 158 at 12:00 so I knew the arrow was pointing DOWN.  I fed him 7g of yogurt and he stayed steady at 178 the rest of the morning but sleep just doesn't come very easy when my mind starts thinking about lows.

I did finally get back to sleep around 5:00 am so when my alarm went off at 6:15 there was no way, no how I could roll myself out of bed.  Jim got up to wake Emma for kinder but then Nate woke up around 6:45 and I like to do his AM check and bolus before breakfast.  So, no shower time for me before Emma and I had to head out the door at 7:30 for school.  When I returned from taking Emma to school it was time to get Ms. Sophie ready for pre-school, check & snack Nate and then head out again by 8:40. 

Nate and I have a date to take a 2 mile walk to the park while Sophie is at school and then head over to pick her up around 10:45a so STILL NO SHOWER.

Once Nate and I picked Sophie up from school it was time for lunch. We head home, I prepare lunch, BG check, bolus, eat and then time for Nate's nap.  At this point I normally shower if I have not already.  Today I just hit a wall.  I was so tired I just had to lay down. I felt like I was going to throw up I was so tired.  I can go for about 5 nights with no sleep and then BLAM I hit that wall and cannot take one more step.  So, I rested and dozed off and it was peaceful.  Well, it was peaceful for about 5 minutes until the lawn service started weed-eating right outside my bedroom window.  That was that and there was just no sleep for me.

I decided to go to the grocery store because well, because I was supposed to do that on Monday and I still hadn't made it there!  At the grocery store I felt like everyone was staring at me.  Were they?  Was this all in my head?  I have no idea but when I got back in the car I just looked at myself and realized - - - my hair is a mess, my clothes are a mess, no make-up, & dark circles. Quite the picture of loveliness if I do say  so myself.

It was then that I thought - - - I wish I could just tell everyone - - - Hey, I'm not supposed to look like this.  This isn't really me.  I'm not really sure who this crazy looking person is but it isn't me!  I want to tell everyone --- Hey, I haven't slept in 7 months - - - really,  I haven't slept!!  My son is sick and I don't sleep.  I haven't always looked like this --- I promise.

But, then I thought oh well!  This is me and I don't sleep, and I do look like a crazy person but I guess there are worse things that I could be!  I am just happy to be me --- crazy hair, dark circles and all.

16 comments:

kjdeweese said...

Whatever! You're adorable 24/7. Just had this conversation with someone about how adorable and admirable you were and it wasn't fair you were both! ; -)

Joanne said...

Yup... I've just reached the point where I don't care anymore. And let's face it, I was never put together in the first place, so I didn't have that far to fall. I do know that I look about 20 years older (before Elise was born, people told me I could still pass for a high school student), and like I haven't slept in years. Make that a year and a half, you you'd be right.

I'm still thinking that we need to all live in a commune and someone would be responsible for all the night checks on a rotating basis. That way, the rest of us could get a good night's sleep.

Joanne said...

that should read and you'd be right. Man am I tired!

Cdejulius said...

you always look good to me even with messy hair, no make up and dark circles . . .but that lack of shower!!! ;) . . .the lack of sleep is something we need to do something about! You cannot go on forever with little or no sleep . . .maybe nap when he naps to at least recoup a little of it . . .I know I know . . .that's when you do your STUFF!! Your posts make me smile!!

Hallie said...

Maybe we should make t-shirts? I definitely need one of those too. Maybe make lost posters with pics how I USED to look. I know just how you feel. I wanna tell people- "No really- I used to be cute! I swear! I was put together!". At this point, I'm not sure anyone would believe me! I'm sorry you had a rough day. I hope tomorrow is better! ((((hugs)))) to you, dear friend. Know that you're not alone in feeling this way (or in not getting around to a shower). And our sweet little kiddos are so worth it! That's what i keep reminding myself!

Joanne said...

By the way, I forgot to say that you look totally cute every time I see you.

Do you make a special effort just for lil ol' me?

Meri said...

I really feel bad for you sweet friend! I can so relate! When you have looked like hell for 12 years like I have...you start to convince yourself that bags under eyes are the hip thing of the day. (I said hip, that is so lame!) You are still in the phase where you KNOW when you look like hell. I've moved on to where I think I look good, when in fact...I look like something a rabid racoon drug in.

It breaks my heart to know how sleep deprived you are, I SO feel for you! But in my selfishness, It gives me a warm feeling to know I am not alone. I am not a freak. There are others. They know my pain. You know my pain! (And in turn I totally know your pain.)

Love ya. And seriously, you are adorable.

I honestly feel like this entire comment makes no sense...and I can't even begin to fix it because I am so freakin tired too!!

Jennifer said...

I agree with the others...you are adorable. I can relate to this as well. OF course, I am more like Jo and didn't have far to fall. Sending you hugs and support.

Amy said...

I like Joanne's idea....a commune would be great!

I feel as though I've aged many,many years since Jada's diagnosis. The circles under my eyes don't go away and I feel as though someone always has a thumb in my back....HATE that feeling.

Scott K. said...

Sounds like a day from our lives as well...I haven't slept in nearly 6 years, so imagine how my eyes look!! I do have to say one thing...my outlook only and I hope it helps...Nate is not sick...he has diabetes, but he has two wonderful parents who wake up throughout the night to make sure that he does not get sick. I have found that it does not take away the worry, but believing that there is a difference between the diagnosis and being sick has helped me keep a positive outlook. Nate (along with my Matt and Jake) will have diabetes until we find a cure, but if we keep up this hard work and if we teach them good habits, they don't have to be sick....just a positive thought for the day...which I hope is better for you than yesterday seemed to be!!

phonelady said...

I love the commune idea . Laura you are a beautiful person and so what one or two days no makeup or hair done there are several times a week when I just dont care to wear makeup especially when I dont leave the house . Well sorry you are having such a bad day and hope today is a better one and love the new pics of you and the family .

Lora said...

I'd like to tell people that sometimes... and can I add in that I USE to be skinny because I USE to have the energy to run and not eat ALL.DAY.LONG :)

Just sayin!!!

(((hugs))) Lova ya ~ DNQ

Jen said...

I'm with ya sister! I recently went to see a naturopath because I am hoping to find a way to support my body on so little sleep. I am hoping she can help..even just a little bit. I like Joanne's commune idea..that sounds really good!

Donna said...

Yep, I'm all for the commune idea too... sign me up! =)

The only reason I get hair and makeup done on a pretty much daily basis is cuz I have to somehow get my tired butt into the office and if I dont do those things I REALLY get looks. So I am thinking I could use a T-shirt that explains it all, too. And THAT could be my new work uniform!! Whaddya think??? =)

:) Tracie said...

What's that smell ?!?! :)

Ah, the land of no sleep. Population....all of us.

At least we have friends!

connie said...

Sleep...what's that?!!! I can agree with all of the above comments :) I haven't had a full nights sleep in a couple of years now, about six months into our life with diabetes I had to make a special trip to the cosmetics counter for extra eye cream and the BEST moisturizer I could get my hands on :)

You are not alone, just know that while you are getting up to check on your little angel...so are we :) If that gives you any kind of comfort, I know it does for me, to know that I am not alone in this and that there are many others out there who understand.