Saturday, October 31, 2009

Diabetes is my Kryptonite


I know how to be a mom.
I have 3 children. I know how to be a mom! 

 My 1st born is Emma Leigh and she was born on March 8th, 2004 after a very long and agonizing labor and delivery.  I’ve never been so happy to meet someone in my entire life!  She was a little angel and still is to this day.  When she was 2 she still could not say her name and she didn’t use a lot of words.  When I asked the pediatrician about it she suggested that we look into speech therapy which we did.  When she was evaluated the speech pathologist suggested that we take her to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor because Emma seemed to be a “mouth breather”.  We took her to the ENT where we were told that her adenoids we so enlarged they were blocking 90% of her airway and that she had never learned to breathe through her nose.  What?  How could we have missed this?  Well, how often do you actually watch your child breathe?  It was an easy fix, the doctor removed her adenoids, and she began to breather through her nose within days.  The only lasting effect was that she had used her mouth to breathe for so long that her tongue created a high hard palette in her mouth which caused her to have a severe articulation disorder.  This is could handle.  We went to speech therapy 2 or 3 times a week for 3 years and now at the age of 5 she speaks beautifully.  Except for those pesky “TH” sounds which normally I wouldn’t mind but when she tells people my age it comes out as “forty six” instead of “THirty six”.  We’ve had sleepless nights with illness and we’ve had wonderful days of watching her grown into a young lady.  All of these things we’ve been through with Emma – I can handle!  I love being Emma’s mom.

On February 2nd, 2006 my beautiful daughter, Sophia Elizabeth was born.  It was an easy labor and delivery.  She was amazing.  I wondered when I was pregnant how on earth I would ever be able to love another child as much as I love Emma and the moment I saw Sophie I wondered no more.  A mother just loves.  That’s what we do!  Sophie was a difficult baby.  She had “colic” – whatever that means.  She screamed all of the time, really I mean all of the time. When she was about 6 weeks old the pediatrician diagnosed her with protein sensitivity to soy and dairy & she had reflux. I stopped nursing her so that they could put her on a prescription formula that would help with both.  That wasn’t easy but I did it for both of our sanity.  After we got that worked out Sophie just seemed off all of the time. We found out she had an ear infection that never went away.  Seriously, she had an ear infection for 6 months so we went back to the ENT.  At that ENT visit they did confirm that Sophie needed tubes in her ears but they also told me that she had severe hearing loss due to the chronic ear infections. They told us that it would clear up and fix itself with the tubes.  It did and she now hears fine.  She began speech therapy at the age of 2 due to the fact she couldn’t hear for almost a year of her life and is now progressing wonderfully.  Strangers can understand about 50% of what she is saying and my mommy ears can understand about 95%.  Again, with Sophie we’ve endured normal child hood illnesses and enjoyed watching her grown into a beautiful little girl. All of this I can handle! I love being Sophie’s mom.

On June 23rd, 2008 our amazing son, Nathan James Houston was born after a very nauseating pregnancy, a long and miserable labor but an easy delivery.  This time I did not question my ability to love another child because I knew without doubt how easy it was to love my girls.  I questioned my ability to love a boy!  How could I be a mom to a boy?  I don’t know boys – I only know girls!  Again, all of that melted away when I saw his precious face.  Oh my, how I love my boy.  I didn’t know it was possible to love a little boy so much!  He was a pretty good baby.  We went through a lot of the same things with Nate as we had gone through with Sophie so I was more aware of things and right on top of any problem that arose.  He had the same protein sensitivity but we worked around it for a while but ended up putting him on the same prescription formula that had helped Sophie. When Nate was 2 months old he got his 1st ear infection and by November I was pushing for tubes to try and avoid the same hearing loss that Sophie had suffered.  The ENT wanted to wait until he was at least 6-monhts old so we waited until December but another ear infection crept up and so they allowed him to have the surgery just a few days shy of his 6-month birthday.  All of this I handled in stride.  This is my 3rd child - there is not much than can be thrown at me at this point.  I’ve seen it all and dealt with most of it!  I love being Nate’s mom!!

I am the mother of 3 children and I think I am a good mom.  I know how to be a mom to each of them as they are all 3 so different. I love being a mom – it is the 1st thing that I have loved doing so much that I never want to stop.  I love the feeling I get when they walk into a room and I feel how much I love them bubble up from the inside. 

I know how to be a mom but I do not know how to be a mom of a diabetic. I am struggling every day with it. My heart still breaks when I look at him.  I am still mourning his health.  When will this end?  I want this to go away.  I hate diabetes. I never knew that I hated diabetes until September 17th, 2009 but that is the day that I started hating diabetes.  I can’t really think of anything else that I hate – I’m not really a hater but I hate diabetes.  It has made me feel like I am no longer the super mom that I once was.  Diabetes is my kryptonite.  I’ve lost all of my super mom powers!  I can’t make this go away.  WHY WON’T IT GO AWAY?


Friday, October 30, 2009

How God Selects the Mother of a Child with Diabetes

I copied this from Chasiti's blog -
I read it yesterday and then have read it again several times today.  It has been another emotional day and this has really helped me get through it . . .


HOW GOD SELECTS THE MOTHER OF A CHILD WITH DIABETES

by Erma Bombeck



Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with diabetes are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger. 

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint Matthew." 

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, Patron Saint Cecilia." 

"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint Gerard. He's used to profanity." 

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a child with diabetes." 
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give child with diabetes to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel".
"But has she the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her has her own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she cannot separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with less than perfect."
"She does not realize it yet, but she is to be envied. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see .... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice ... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."


Thursday, October 29, 2009

599 - Sweeter and Sweeter!

At dinner Nate's BG was 599 - - - Yes, 599!
When my daughter, Emma looked at the meter she said "599 seems like a lot of sugar" to which I replied that it was pretty high and she said "Mom, I guess Nate just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter!".

It was so sweet it made me cry and I haven't stopped.  I am feeling overwhelmed tonight!  Overwhelmed by chasing the numbers and overwhelmed by my sadness and just overwhelmed by diabetes!!



It was down to 293 at bedtime with no ketones so I will check once more before I go to bed.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Welcome to Holland!

I read this on 3 blogs yesterday and 1 today and then a friend also emailed it to me last night - I think it is a sign that I need to post it too.

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience, to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. Michelangelo's David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland ?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland ?? I signed up for Italy! All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills... and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say: "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things... about Holland.

Copyright © 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley
All Rights Reserved

I am working on embracing Holland!!

TrialNet

So, we signed up for Type 1 Research Study called TrialNet (which I keep typing as TrailNet by mistake).  Anyone else doing this?  ( http://www.diabetestrialnet.org/index.htm)
Anyway, that is why we took all 3 kids to Nate's appointment on Monday.  They draw blood and do testing to see if other members of the family are 'at risk' of developing Type 1. 

WOW - I had no idea our oldest daughter, Emma would totally FREAK OUT!  She was screaming and crying as soon as they came in the room.  I took the other 2 children out to watch Barney and we could still hear Emma screaming over a very loud rendition of the Barney Song (you know - I love you - you love me - blah - blah - blah).

After that I thought for sure Sophie (3 years) would be a mess going in for her turn but she walked in and was a complete trooper.  She sat there very quietly, watched them draw the blood and never even blinked an eye.  Impressive!

By this time it was nearly 1:00 - we were all starving, Nate was tired and 2 hours past his nappy time & everyone was beginning to melt down - even me! 

I'm still recovering from the endo appointment and then the TrialNet appt. on top of that - I think it completely frazzled me for the entire week!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

MAD or SAD?

I can't decide if this article makes me mad or sad?
Mad because of the content or sad because the person that wrote it is so completely STUPID!

I borrowed this letter from Joanne's blog but I also saw it on Six until Me - It very wonderfully illustrates that stupidity is alive and well. It is a letter written to the editor of her local paper:

On Oct. 3, myself and my girlfriend were eating lunch at Burger King. A family came in and sat across the aisle from us. While the father was ordering food, we were shocked and appalled to see a boy inject himself with whatever medication, in front of God and everybody all while sitting at the table. We found this extremely offensive. That sort of business should be done in private. How about a little respect for those around you. Other than the obvious fact that it's not sanitary for those who use the table next, you have no idea how something like that can affect people. People go through a lot in their life and things like that may bring up certain feelings and memories best forgotten. I would like to thank those that day for totally ruining my meal.

If you want to chime in with your own letter to the editor, click on this link and visit the Pocatello Idaho State Journal website.

Today is better than yesterday!

Yesterday we had our 1st non-hospital visit with Nate’s endocrinologist at Children’s Dallas. I was not prepared!! We took all 3 children because we are all participating in a diabetes study but I will get to that later.


With all 3 kids in tow in the pouring rain we set out to what I mistakenly thought would be an easy visit with Nate’s doctor. Now I know different – next time I will be more prepared! We arrived early which just caused a lot of waiting around with 3 very restless kids. Jim decided to stay in the waiting area with the girls so I was on my own with the little man and all of the screaming, crying, finger pricking and information overload! Good times! I am very appreciative of the fact that along with a team of doctors, nurses and educators we also get a counselor. She was very nice and listened as I told her how I was doing, how sad I still am and how angry I am becoming. I even laughed when she told me that I was “right on track emotionally” and that she did not have “any magic answers”. Really – what the hell are we paying you for? Ok, just kidding – I didn’t say that but I have never really talked with a counselor before and I was really hoping she would have a magic answer! Talking with her just brought out all of my emotions while I was sitting in this little room with my crazy, 16-month old little man who was at this point starving because it was well past his lunch time.


By the time the doctor came in I was stuffing peanut butter crackers in Nate’s mouth so quickly that I lost count and then freaked out because I had no idea how many carbs he had eaten! Good thing we were at the hospital – right?


It was just a very long, very emotional, very frustrating visit.


I was fried!


On a happy note – Today I found a mommy with a little girl that was diagnosed around the same age as Nate. I am so excited to find someone that is going through exactly what we are going through and can understand all of my crazy emotions.


More later on the hell of day that was yesterday!!

My precious Emma was a raving lunatic during our meeting with the TrailNet Diabetes Study nurses.