Today was Nate's 3 month endocrinologist visit otherwise known as my diabetes report card.
I am perfectly aware that I should not feel as if it is my report card but please be honest here, folks.  Who of us does not feel this way?  Raise you hand?  Yep, that's what I thought.

Nate's a1c this summer was 6.6, in the fall it crept up to 7.2 and today it was up to 8.3.  It hasn't been that high in well over a year. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I left the office in tears barely able to hold myself together to drive Nate and myself home before having a full on breakdown in the privacy of my room.

Yes, I fell apart.

And Yes, I read this article today by Dr. Ponder . . . Diabetes is more than about test results, numbers

It didn't help.

It doesn't matter the reason ---

Yes, Nate is going through a growth spurt, and he has been sick for 3 weeks and we run him higher at school, and he's a pod remover and a food sneaker.  Our nurse practitioner listed off all of the reasons. He told me we really didn't need to make any changes --- he's just a growing boy and this is what happens to growing boys.  I'm sure he hated seeing the tears roll down my face but I couldn't help it! None of those things matter to me.  I feel that I am failing him.  I've had a few days of diabetes burn out and now those days are seared in my brain as the worst mommy days ever.

Failing Nate is not an option.  This is serious business.  He will have this stupid disease his entire life minus14-months.

Complications

By Mayo Clinic staff

• Heart and blood vessel disease. Diabetes dramatically increases your child's risk of various cardiovascular problems, including coronary artery disease with chest pain (angina), heart attack, stroke, narrowing of the arteries (atherosclerosis) and high blood pressure, later in life.
• Nerve damage (neuropathy). Excess sugar can injure the walls of the tiny blood vessels (capillaries) that nourish your child's nerves, especially in the legs. This can cause tingling, numbness, burning or pain. Nerve damage usually happens gradually, over a long period of time.
• Kidney damage (nephropathy). Diabetes can damage the numerous tiny blood vessel clusters that filter waste from your child's blood. Severe damage can lead to kidney failure or irreversible end-stage kidney disease, requiring dialysis or a kidney transplant.
• Eye damage. Diabetes can damage the blood vessels of the retina (diabetic retinopathy). Diabetic retinopathy can cause blindness. Diabetes can also lead to cataracts and a greater risk of glaucoma.
• Foot damage. Nerve damage in the feet or poor blood flow to the feet increases the risk of various foot complications. Left untreated, cuts and blisters can become serious infections.
• Skin conditions. Diabetes may leave your child more susceptible to skin problems, including bacterial infections, fungal infections and itching.
• Osteoporosis. Diabetes may lead to lower than normal bone mineral density, increasing your child's risk of osteoporosis as an adult.
• Brain problems. Although the exact reason for the link isn't clear, people with diabetes have an increased risk of dementia and Alzheimer's disease.

All of that is on me right now.

Failing Nate is not an option ---- his life depends on me.

That is such a huge weight to carry ---- I can't screw this up.  There are no re-dos here, Laura!