Saturday, February 2, 2013

It's her birthday and I will cry if I want to . . .

7 years ago today I was in the hospital giving birth to my beautiful and brave daughter, Sophia Elizabeth.  It is always on my children's birthdays that I stop and take the time to actually think about the little miracles that they are . . .

I was in labor all day . . . . she was finally delivered at 4:27 pm . . . . funny how the memory of the pain disappears as soon as your sweet baby is placed into your arms!

I takes 2 people to create a life but only a woman, a mother experiences carrying a child for 9 months.  Only a mother feels a life growing inside, only a mother feels the flutter of the 1st kick, only a mother wakes up 13 times per night to pee, only a mother experiences the excruciating pain and absolute joy of childbirth.

I'm not going to lie I hated being pregnant ----- yep, I did not glow AT ALL.  I was pretty miserable the entire 9 months.  I usually started begging my OB to get the baby out ASAP around 35 weeks and I wasn't kidding.  But that being said I would do it again 100 times for the joy that each one of my children brings me.

So, 7 years ago today Sophie was born and each year on this day we celebrate her life with cake, balloons, gifts and wonderful memories.  However, today this seventh anniversary of her birth I am sitting here without her. I'm trying to distract myself by staying extremely busy thus my 1st blog post in a very, very long time.  My tears streak and stain my face right now as I sit here missing her beautiful smile.  I know that she is having fun with her daddy.  They are roller skating which she loves but my heart hurts and no distraction in the world can replace spending the day with my daughter on her special day.

It is me that gave birth to her, it is me that was there for her 1st word, 1st step.  It was me that got up each night with her as a new born.  It was me that was there when she was diagnosed with Crohn's ---- it is me that sits with her every 6 weeks at her Remicade treatments.  Call me selfish all you want but I think the courts have it wrong with this one . . . . she should be with me today.

I missed her last night when I went to bed ---- I usually wait until they are all asleep and decorate the kitchen, put the cake on the table for birthday breakfast and place her gifts around her spot at the table.

I missed her when I woke up ---- I missed seeing her run to the kitchen, I missed eating cake at 7am, I missed seeing the joy in her eyes as we sing happy birthday and I missed her sweet, sweet kisses.

Divorce is hard. I know that. I'm living it. Being away from my children is hard always. Being away from them on Christmas (yep, that happened) and birthdays is excruciating.

So, today on the 7th anniversary of Sophia's birth I want you all to know how amazingly strong, brave, sweet, beautiful and fierce she really is ----- Her 7 year old self has been through more than my 40 year old self can imagine and she does it all with grace, strength and remains sweet and charming throughout  every single thing that stupid Crohn's throws her way.  She is truly the bravest little girl that I know.  I do not take hero status lightly and I am telling you right now . . . she is my hero.  My beautiful, sweet, little hero.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Sophie Doodle.  Your mommy loves you to the moon and back and back and back and . . . .

Trying hard to keep calm and carry on . . .


Sassy STS said...

Salty liquid rage! I love that kid and you! xoxo

Nicole said...

So sorry my sweet friend that you are in so much pain today. Always remember, you are her mom and for all the reasons you listed plus many many more YOU will always be her #1!! No one can ever take that away from you. #1 mom always and forever...promise. Let them have today because a little girl needs good memories of her day too, you my friend will have a lifetime of love and memories for her and she will love you for that! Hugs and love!


Sophie is absolutely amazing & awe-inspiring! Don't sell yourself short because she gets it from you. She has your fierceness too. I'm sorry you aren't with her today. And I agree, it's wrong that she isn't. Divorce sucks! I say that as the child that watched my mother suffer through 2 of them before she finally found a man worthy enough to keep around.

I say you pick a day next week. I like Tuesdays. Maybe because I was born on a Tuesday. And you keep her home from school & make it Sophie Day. Cake for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, & her fav dinner. Just Sophie & Mommy.


Meri said...

Let him pretend he wins. He does not. You have her heart a hundred times over. You are HER hero.

keep on carrying on! Love you so much my warrior friend!! And Happy Birthday to your fierce little! <3

Penny said...

Happy Birthday Sweet Super Sophie! Happy BIRTH Day, Laura! You have her heart. She has yours. Enjoy every minute.

M&S said...

Sending you a big hug. It's easy to see where she learned to be so strong and brave. She is blessed ... All your littles are ... To call you mom!

Sarah said...

oh crap...there it goes again. Oye, crying alone in the kitchen between BG checks is just not cool.
I am a child of divorced parents, I know everybody has their story - but it stinks. Divorce stinks.
She will not know how sad you are about missing out because you are that awesome of a mama, but she will know that this is the first birthday that is different. She will continue to grow in your amazing strength and love and your whole family will make new incredible routines and family traditions.
Happy Birthday to your gorgeous courageous incredible daughter! ((HUGS)) for today and have a wonderful time celebrating with her tomorrow.
Laura I hope you know how much of an encouragement you are to women everywhere for not just bucking up, for living a fully authentic life - one where you're not scared of change, keeping your focus on the people that matter most, and consistently being lovingly honest. I truly hope you have an awesome day of celebration!

Kelly said...

Oh Laura, my heart hurts for you both, I would feel so much the same! ((HUGS))

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Just a Mom

I am NOT a doctor, nor do I play one on this blog.

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I AM the mom of 3 wonderful children.
I AM my son's pancreas.

The information provided on this blog is from our personal experiences with Type 1 diabetes. Because something works for us does not mean it will work for you.

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