Saturday, February 2, 2013
It's her birthday and I will cry if I want to . . .
7 years ago today I was in the hospital giving birth to my beautiful and brave daughter, Sophia Elizabeth. It is always on my children's birthdays that I stop and take the time to actually think about the little miracles that they are . . .
I was in labor all day . . . . she was finally delivered at 4:27 pm . . . . funny how the memory of the pain disappears as soon as your sweet baby is placed into your arms!
I takes 2 people to create a life but only a woman, a mother experiences carrying a child for 9 months. Only a mother feels a life growing inside, only a mother feels the flutter of the 1st kick, only a mother wakes up 13 times per night to pee, only a mother experiences the excruciating pain and absolute joy of childbirth.
I'm not going to lie I hated being pregnant ----- yep, I did not glow AT ALL. I was pretty miserable the entire 9 months. I usually started begging my OB to get the baby out ASAP around 35 weeks and I wasn't kidding. But that being said I would do it again 100 times for the joy that each one of my children brings me.
So, 7 years ago today Sophie was born and each year on this day we celebrate her life with cake, balloons, gifts and wonderful memories. However, today this seventh anniversary of her birth I am sitting here without her. I'm trying to distract myself by staying extremely busy thus my 1st blog post in a very, very long time. My tears streak and stain my face right now as I sit here missing her beautiful smile. I know that she is having fun with her daddy. They are roller skating which she loves but my heart hurts and no distraction in the world can replace spending the day with my daughter on her special day.
It is me that gave birth to her, it is me that was there for her 1st word, 1st step. It was me that got up each night with her as a new born. It was me that was there when she was diagnosed with Crohn's ---- it is me that sits with her every 6 weeks at her Remicade treatments. Call me selfish all you want but I think the courts have it wrong with this one . . . . she should be with me today.
I missed her last night when I went to bed ---- I usually wait until they are all asleep and decorate the kitchen, put the cake on the table for birthday breakfast and place her gifts around her spot at the table.
I missed her when I woke up ---- I missed seeing her run to the kitchen, I missed eating cake at 7am, I missed seeing the joy in her eyes as we sing happy birthday and I missed her sweet, sweet kisses.
Divorce is hard. I know that. I'm living it. Being away from my children is hard always. Being away from them on Christmas (yep, that happened) and birthdays is excruciating.
So, today on the 7th anniversary of Sophia's birth I want you all to know how amazingly strong, brave, sweet, beautiful and fierce she really is ----- Her 7 year old self has been through more than my 40 year old self can imagine and she does it all with grace, strength and remains sweet and charming throughout every single thing that stupid Crohn's throws her way. She is truly the bravest little girl that I know. I do not take hero status lightly and I am telling you right now . . . she is my hero. My beautiful, sweet, little hero.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Sophie Doodle. Your mommy loves you to the moon and back and back and back and . . . .
Trying hard to keep calm and carry on . . .
at 3:33 PM