Journaling my journey -- I've always blogged my way through the tough days, and I'll soon add all of these posts to HWHAP. It's just so easy to share here 1st. 

Yesterday was tough! I mostly think of myself as a tough, fierce, warrior mom. The littles and I have been through a lot, we endure a lot with diabetes and Crohn's and just life. We are all stronger for it. But yesterday my opinion of myself changed dramatically. 

I don't helicopter, I don't hover, and I really don't need to know what the kids are doing every moment when they are spending time away from me. When they are with their dad, I rarely chat with them. I really believe they should be with him, enjoy their time with him, it gives me a little break, and I trust him completely. 

But! In actuality, I'm still somewhat in control. Not of the kiddos but of Nate's diabetes. When Nate is w his dad, Jim runs the diabetes show, but I can still see every blood sugar, every trend, and we often work together, brainstorm, and problem solve. 

Diabetes encompasses me. It does! I eat, sleep, and breathe diabetes. That's not really an exaggeration. We count carbs, we dose insulin, we figure out what each meal, snack, bite will do to his blood sugar. He sleeps, I diligently watch his blood sugars at night, I test, I treat lows, I fight highs .... there's no sleep for me. Ok, I may not actually breathe diabetes, but if you live this life, then you know the smells of diabetes. The band-aid smell of the insulin, the sweet, fruity smell of ketones, and the strong, clean smell of alcohol wipes!! 

Nate's diagnosis was one of the hardest things that I've lived through. There's no cure. There's no end. There's not even any light at the end of the tunnel. It goes on and on and on. So, I've embraced it! I've read, I've listened, I've studied, I've researched, I work tirelessly to keep him safe, healthy, alive. It's what I do and who I've become. 

Yesterday every part of that was taken away from me. That sounds dramatic. #dramaqueen More accurately, I left that part of me at Camp Sweeney. Oh, I know he's safe, he's having an amazing adventure, it's going to change his life! I know all of this. I do! And I'm so excited for him, but this is about me! 😂

After spending a relaxing day in the pool, then eating a wonderful dinner (prepared by sweet friends), it was time to settle in, shower, get ready for bed. I suppose the silence is what finally triggered it all ... there were no sounds ... no beeps, no alarms, nothing. There were no smells, no insulin dosing, no carb counting, no alarms for me to set. I was preparing to actually sleep without my phone by my head --- all alarms were off. That's when it struck me --- I had a full blown, can't breathe, chest pounding, fall down in the shower, crying my face off panic attack. It was completely awful.  Ian Ivory had to come into the shower and after sitting with me (soaking wet), letting me cry, he then spoke truth to me --- "Nate is fine. You will be fine." He also validated my tears .... this is the 1st time in 8 years that someone other than myself is completely in control of my son's life. This is huge. For both of us. 

It took me a while to get to sleep, but I slept. I woke a few times but was able to get back to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling better. Calmer. It's fine. It's fine. Everything is going to be just fine. 

Plus, my niece, Krysta Lynn Hamill found these pics of Nate smiling, happy, and alive, so there's that!!! ❤️