Thursday, February 7, 2013

Type One Diabetes Rage

After almost 3.5 years of Super Nate having T1D I rarely have diabetes rage anymore.  I know that is hard to believe but it is totally true ----- there are days that totally suck but we pretty much just roll with it.

Low ---------------- Carb It Up
High ---------------- Rage Bolus
Pod Alarm -------- Change It
Sensor Failure ---- Change That Too
Carb Count? -------SWAG It

Ok, I may not really be that easy going when it comes to T1D but I have chilled A LOT.  I've learned not to sweat it because it ends up just causing me and Nate more stress.  I don't weigh, I don't measure, I don't freak out when he's high, or overreact when he is low, I don't get mad when a pod screams or a sensor fails < ----- I used to do all of those things!!

There really are still hard days and I do complain occasionally but for the most part I don't let it get me down.  I have lots of support and the wonderful people in my life now are stepping up and learning how to care for Nate and I am letting them.  That helps a lot with the stress.

I still don't sleep at night ---- that sucks big time but that doesn't cause rage.  I haven't slept in 3.5 years --- that's just my normal.

Back to the reason I started this post . . . . so, I am cruising along not really raging about T1d and then BAM! Out of the blue Nate has decided to grow up! He's started to be an independent little boy who wants to play outside, ride his bike around the neighborhood, roller skate, and gulp . . . hang out with friends! What the What . . . he's only 4!! Okay . . . 4.5 but still!








The girls have made several new neighborhood friends so they come and go as they please and are in and out of certain houses on our street.  One of the houses is across the street and another is just next door.  I feel totally safe with this situation and love that the girls have made new friends that live so close.



 


 



Then the dreaded question came from the man child . . .


Can I go with Sophie over to [insert neighbor child's name here] house to play Wii?


Oh ...................... Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddggggggggggggge.  If you know me at all you totally know that I didn't really say FUDGE.


I was not expecting that!

After the question was asked I stood there for what seemed like an eternity trying to formulate an answer that was not going to make him resent having T1D.  Not an easy thing to do especially since all of my resentment that I had finally let go of came flooding back.

 In that instant I remembered all of the parties we had attended where I would stand and watch the other children drink juice boxes, eat pizza and cake and be completely carefree about what they were doing.  I remembered the resentment I felt for those parents that were standing against the wall chatting and laughing without worrying about the activity level of their child. I resented them for not worrying about whether or not their child's blood sugar would drop and mostly because they weren't having to check blood sugars and stress about all the food that was about to be consumed ---- the carb counts, whether to extend the bolus or give it up front, whether to back off on the insulin due to the activity.  All the craziness that we deal with came back in an instant ---- just like that I was resenting diabetes again.

It seems like with everything else diabetes related my emotions seem to ebb and flow.  I really have let go of so much of the anger and resentment but I now know that as Nate grows up there will always be new experiences, new adventures and new hurdles & with diabetes in the mix all of those will come with new emotions.

I know that there will be a time when Nate is able to run around the neighborhood, play at the neighbor's house, or even go on a bike ride without me but not now. Not Yet. We are not quite ready for that at his age.  He is just now verbalizing his lows which he still sometimes mistakes with highs. He thinks Danimals have 121 carbs and applesauce has 600 carbs.  I have no idea where those numbers come from --- I think he's just being a silly boy! He can check his own blood sugar but has no idea yet what to do with the number he sees on the PDM.  We will get there . . . I know we will but we are not there quite yet.

So, for now we have an open invitation to the neighborhood children to play & snack at our house where Nate can continue to explore his independence while I keep a (secret) watchful eye on him and am able to check his blood sugar so quickly that most of time the other children don't even notice.  I'm good like that YO!

Right now he is content with hanging outside and at our house but I know the time will come when I will have to let go a little bit more.  Until then diabetes rage is back in check.  We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Oh and for how I answered his question about playing at the neighbor's house . . . I actually let him go. I did a quick bg check, he was at a safe number so off he and Sophie went.  I knew that dinner was almost ready and they would not be able to stay long.  I've never finished making dinner quite so fast.  Within 15 minutes I was texting the neighbor to send the minions home for dinner.  He got to experience a little bit of  independence and I only experienced mild heart failure.

Keeping calm most some of the time . . . and always carrying on . . .


Saturday, February 2, 2013

It's her birthday and I will cry if I want to . . .


7 years ago today I was in the hospital giving birth to my beautiful and brave daughter, Sophia Elizabeth.  It is always on my children's birthdays that I stop and take the time to actually think about the little miracles that they are . . .



I was in labor all day . . . . she was finally delivered at 4:27 pm . . . . funny how the memory of the pain disappears as soon as your sweet baby is placed into your arms!

I takes 2 people to create a life but only a woman, a mother experiences carrying a child for 9 months.  Only a mother feels a life growing inside, only a mother feels the flutter of the 1st kick, only a mother wakes up 13 times per night to pee, only a mother experiences the excruciating pain and absolute joy of childbirth.

I'm not going to lie I hated being pregnant ----- yep, I did not glow AT ALL.  I was pretty miserable the entire 9 months.  I usually started begging my OB to get the baby out ASAP around 35 weeks and I wasn't kidding.  But that being said I would do it again 100 times for the joy that each one of my children brings me.

So, 7 years ago today Sophie was born and each year on this day we celebrate her life with cake, balloons, gifts and wonderful memories.  However, today this seventh anniversary of her birth I am sitting here without her. I'm trying to distract myself by staying extremely busy thus my 1st blog post in a very, very long time.  My tears streak and stain my face right now as I sit here missing her beautiful smile.  I know that she is having fun with her daddy.  They are roller skating which she loves but my heart hurts and no distraction in the world can replace spending the day with my daughter on her special day.

It is me that gave birth to her, it is me that was there for her 1st word, 1st step.  It was me that got up each night with her as a new born.  It was me that was there when she was diagnosed with Crohn's ---- it is me that sits with her every 6 weeks at her Remicade treatments.  Call me selfish all you want but I think the courts have it wrong with this one . . . . she should be with me today.

I missed her last night when I went to bed ---- I usually wait until they are all asleep and decorate the kitchen, put the cake on the table for birthday breakfast and place her gifts around her spot at the table.

I missed her when I woke up ---- I missed seeing her run to the kitchen, I missed eating cake at 7am, I missed seeing the joy in her eyes as we sing happy birthday and I missed her sweet, sweet kisses.



Divorce is hard. I know that. I'm living it. Being away from my children is hard always. Being away from them on Christmas (yep, that happened) and birthdays is excruciating.

So, today on the 7th anniversary of Sophia's birth I want you all to know how amazingly strong, brave, sweet, beautiful and fierce she really is ----- Her 7 year old self has been through more than my 40 year old self can imagine and she does it all with grace, strength and remains sweet and charming throughout  every single thing that stupid Crohn's throws her way.  She is truly the bravest little girl that I know.  I do not take hero status lightly and I am telling you right now . . . she is my hero.  My beautiful, sweet, little hero.



Happy Birthday, Sweet Sophie Doodle.  Your mommy loves you to the moon and back and back and back and . . . .




Trying hard to keep calm and carry on . . .