Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Finding Laura . . . More than a D Mom

If you are a faithful follower of HWHAP then you may have been wondering where I've been lately but then again maybe not so much.  Maybe you could care less.  Or if you are on Facebook you probably know exactly where I have been because I post there like every 5 minutes.





That's funny ---- Right?

Anyway when I started this blog it was an outlet for me to discuss the wide array of emotions I was going through after Nate was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and then Sophie with Crohn's disease.  I'm never afraid to keep it real and let people know exactly how I am feeling.  I have certainly been through some tough times over the past couple of years.  I am not sure that I have handled any of it with dignity or grace but at the time I really didn't care ---- survival was my only goal.

Reading back over some of my posts I still feel every bit of the sadness, anger and frustration that I was feeling at the time that each post was written.  I remember vividly the sadness, the feeling of loss, frustration and anger.  At times I did allow myself to get wrapped up in each and every one of those emotions.



I truly believe I went from being what I like to describe as a full-time, stay-at-home, want-to-be-perfect mom to a D-mom and then a D/C-Mom.  I was no longer a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister or a friend.  All I could be at the time was a mom to 2 chronically ill children (we won't even talk about how bad I feel for Ms. Emma).  I felt overwhelmed and sad ---- some days I still do but for the most part something has changed over the last 6-months or so.  I am still a stay at home mom and a D/C-mom but I have found me again.  I am no longer trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect D-mom or perfect C-mom . . . is there really such thing?  I am just me . . . a woman, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.  I am funny, silly, sarcastic (I actually speak sarcasm fluently), kind of bitchy, and rather snarky.  I have found that getting away from my littles occasionally is actually good for my mothering abilities . . . when I don't escape often enough I can lose my shit FAST!



In March I started running and working out again.  It is my all about me time.  I love to run --- it clears my mind and lets me leave diabetes and Crohn's behind when I know my littles are in the capable hands of someone that I trust.  I am back down to my pre-Emma pregnancy weight and it feels really, really good.  I've also started reading again which I was passionate about before Nate's diagnosis.  After his dx I felt too overwhelmed and exhausted to let myself escape in a book.  Not any more!  I can't believe I am going to admit this but I read all three 50 Shades of Grey books (go ahead and laugh) and am now reading a funny book by Chelsea Handler given to me by a friend (or maybe it was a loaner --- not sure --- will have to check on that?).

I think through my experiences with 2 life changing diagnoses I have learned empathy, compassion and understanding.  I've never wanted sympathy ever and I don't believe that others do either so I try to help others in need, even if it is just an understanding nod or compassionate look.  I never want anyone to think that because his or her child doesn't require the same amount of care that mine do that their child's illness is any less important to me. It's not.  I want to help! I want to understand! I want to be there!

Well, except for this one post I read recently by some woman that went on and on and on about how stoic and strong she was because she was able to get through some random surgery her son had to have and then he ate a flower or a rock or something and she freaked out ---- it was weird and I had no sympathy or emapthy for her whatsoever.  It was the most ridiculous thing I'd read in a while.  To her I did actually want to shout . . . HEY ---- COME OVER HERE AND WALK A MILE IN MY FLIP-FLOPS, DRAMA MAMA!

I know I should be more empathetic of the rock mom but geeeez can you imagine her living my bloody and crappy life?  She would crumble FO SHO.  I could actually link to 100 diagnosis stories that are 100X worse than what that woman went through and each and every one of the mom's I have read about were stoic and graceful through the most horrifying diagnosis stories --- most much worse than what I have gone through.  

How did I get off on that?  Clearly needed to get that off of my chest.

I read this recently on a blog I came across recently and loved it . . . 


Don’t judge me. You couldn’t handle half what I’ve been through. As a matter of fact, most would crumble just watching my life play out. There’s a reason I do what I do. There’s a reason I am who I am. Until you live my story, please just pay attention to your own.

--- Stolen from Diary of a Sick Girl.

So, back to me.  That's what it's all about . . . in my mind anyway.

I am still devoted to my children, dedicated to caring for their needs and I will never stop hoping for a cure.



I will allow myself the breaks that I need to keep my sanity and not allow one ounce of guilt to seep into my mind while I am taking said breaks --- whether it be running, working out, hanging out with my girlfriends or even escaping to the solitude of my closet to enjoy a glass of wine in peace (yes, that makes me a closet drinker!).



I feel like I have survived ---- I am still surviving --- my life isn't any easier all of the sudden it's just that I have accepted that this is my life.  I've embraced my new normal and I am no longer angry about it.  Don't get me wrong I can still get mad at diabetes and Crohn's when I am in the midst of dealing with either one but I think I have finally learned to live by the words that I post here so often . . .

Keep Calm and Carry On.










18 comments:

Sassy said...

I love it! So happy you found a way to be 'you' again! Keep it up, baby! Also- rock mom needs a punch in the ovaries.

Alexis Nicole said...

Love!!!!!!!!!!


You.

Kelly said...

Acceptance is a huge, life changing state of mind! I'm happy to hear you have found yourself again, which reminds me I used to be a runner and worker-outter too! Hmmm....so long overdue, I think you just sparked my own motivation....

Melissa Lee said...

I love you. All the versions and capacities.

Lora said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE This post. BUT!!! When the hell did you get a tattoo????

Penny said...

Love this! Love you!

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

Oh Laura- This is wonderful! this post is great and I am happy for you. It gives me hope and reminds me to breathe and try to find me again. (I am sure my family would benefit from it). I am happy to have known you so long and through his wonderful journey. YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM!!

Sarah said...

yeah! What a great spot to be at right now...knowing you are an amazing person just as you are and that your life is worth enjoying. Life has thrown some cruddy things at you, and yes me, too...but it is an awesome place to be when you realize how to take care of yourself so that you can enjoy all that is around you. And yes you are pretty stinkin' incredible. I keep thinking we need to meet up in Vegas to do the Rock-n-Roll half that benefits C. Let me know if that ever, EVER, sounds like fun :)

Scully said...

more pictures! adorable family.

thanks for sharing. the truth sucks sometimes and it's not always positive.
You rock... keep it up!

NikDuck said...

Good for you for getting YOU back and taking care of yourself!! You have motivated a lot of D & C Moms....oh wow, D&C Moms typed out like that means something else...ha! Get it?! I got back to working out this year, but not as much as I used to. I also used to read so much more, but it is now so hard to concentrate! I'm trying to get back to that this summer. Adorable pic of your family too!

Hallie Addington said...

I am so happy for you! So happy! I can see it in your face... This sense of peace and pure happiness! And that makes me smile! :). Know what? I'm also jealous as Hell! I'm still lost- searching for who I used to be. I feel it slowly starting to come back. But I'm not where you are. Not even close. But- knowing you made it back gives me hope that it's possible. And I need to know that it is!! Love you- Keep rockin it!!

Tracy1918 said...

I think you're simply amazing and you inspire me.

Meri said...

You deserve every bit of peace and happiness you can find. Keep it up warrior mama! Love you!

Leigh said...

I'm just catching up!! So, what everyone else said and I am just so, so excited for you!! You are a rockstar and I want to be you when I grow up. ;) Love you, girl and I am so very, very happy for you!!

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buglebasin152 said...

Stumbled upon this blog while looking for resources for my close friend whose son was just diagnosed with diabetes. A wonderful post and blog - you're story is inspirational.

I actually came upon your story a few days ago and your name stuck in my mind. It came to me today - I think we lived across the street from each other in middle school in El Paso, Texas.

buglebasin152 said...

Stumbled upon this blog while looking for resources for my close friend whose son was just diagnosed with diabetes. A wonderful post and blog - you're story is inspirational.

I actually came upon your story a few days ago and your name stuck in my mind. It came to me today - I think we lived across the street from each other in middle school in El Paso, Texas.

Anna said...

Here's to you, Ms. Laura Houston! Bravo!