Monday, February 13, 2012

Broken

I've been writing this post in my head for weeks.  It's no easy task.
Tonight I've been staring at the white Blogger screen for quite sometime.

My marriage has been broken for quite sometime.

Was it broken before diabetes?  Probably so.

Did diabetes do more damage?  Who knows?

 I certainly am not going to blame diabetes because that feels a little bit like blaming Nate or his broken pancreas.  Sophie's diagnosis wasn't easy for us either.  We made choices.  We handled everything separately.  I grieved alone most of the time.  And let's not kid ourselves --- there is grief.  Well, there certainly was for me.

Is this where we finally disconnected?  Hard to say for sure.  I'm just going to say our marriage has been broken for a while, we've been living separately for years and finally on January 25, 2012 we officially filed for divorce.

Without turning my blog into the Real Housewives of Collin County . . . I'll just say this is not an amicable divorce and it isn't pretty and it could drag out for a while. I will not blog about the details of our divorce, or the craziness that has transpired or even the accusations that are being thrown around (and trust me the drama so far would be getting top ratings!).  I believe that in the best interest of our children I will refrain from 'blogging it out' here.

I will however be blogging about starting over, being a single mom to 3 littles, being a single mom of 2 children that have special medical needs, and finding my way in the world on my own 2 feet all while being scared to death as to what lies ahead.  I will look to the wonderful men and women who have done this before me to help guide me and encourage me each step of the way.

The end of a marriage is never an easy time.  It's stressful, sad and scary.  For me specifically, it is all of those things and more.

I've been a stay at home mom for 8 years.  EIGHT YEARS.  What in the heck am I going to do now?

I know I am not the only stay at home mom that has had to re-enter the work force after years of staying home wiping butts, washing dishes and shaping little lives.   The difference is my mind is really mushy.  The whole not sleeping for more that 2 or 3 hours at a time has taken its toll on me and I really do not know how one goes to work and functions properly on that kind of sleep.  I know it can be done.  There are moms and dads doing it now but I'm not going to lie --- I'm  pretty scared.  

I've been with Nate everyday since his diagnoses 2 1/2 years ago.  He goes to school for only 3 hours a day, 3 days a week.  During those 3 hours he's at school his nurse texts me at least 3 times. I am terrified to leave Nate.  He's only 3.  I'm not ready to hand over his care to anyone else.  I know I'm not telling most of my readers anything here but it is MY job to keep him alive --- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I'm scared.  I cannot fathom leaving him for 8-10 hours a day.  The very thought of it causes a wave of nausea, tears well up in my eyes and I actually have to remind myself to breathe.  His bg was 38 today and he was running around like a crazy man.  He has a look.  I saw it and checked.  NO ONE else knows that look.  NO ONE else would have checked.  How do you teach someone everything that I do?  It seems impossible.

Sophie's health has me worried too.  It's been almost 2 years since her diagnosis and she's never been in remission.  She's on steroids, immune suppression drugs and we are looking into an infusion drug that could have some pretty strong side-effects.  She's already missed over a week of school this year because of her UC.  I can't imagine not being there for her when she needs me.  No one can love her through these things like her mama can.

Emma, Emma my sweet Emma.  She is my rock.  She is so stoic and beautiful.  She seems to handle everything in stride but I know that she is just like her mommy.  She's so sensitive and internalizes everything.   I know this divorce is hard on her, I know she feels like she always comes last.  I know she is always silently waiting on what her diagnosis will be.  That was hard to write. It's hard to think about.  She's such a sweet girl.  I love being her mommy. I love dropping her off at school every morning and seeing her face light up every afternoon when she sees me pull up to the carpool line.  I'm not ready for so many changes!

For the time being I'm still living in our house with the kids.  Being a single mom isn't really the scary part ---- I've been doing all of this alone here for years now.  The difference is that although I felt alone most of the time I was still able to stay home with the kids, shuttle them to and from doctors appointments, drop them off at school, rage bolus Nate to combat crazy highs, SWAG the macaroni and cheese for lunch and head off lows by just knowing that look he gets.  I've been able to --- yep, I'm going to admit it here . . . catch a nap every once in a while when he's at school.  There are nights that I'm up every hour or two and there are days where I just absolutely hit a brick wall and cannot do one more thing.

There are a lot of scary things in my future . . . where will we live, what will we drive, who will care for Nate, what if Sophie gets worse, who will hire an ass-dragging D Mom, how can I possibly function on 2 hours of sleep, how will I buy groceries, will Sophie's medications be covered . . . the list goes on and on and on and on.  I'm taking them all one at a time.  I'll keep you posted along the way.  I'm always very transparent here and looking forward to starting over and sharing my journey.

I know a lot of people have emailed and reached out over the past month or so and I would like to apologize for not responding as I normally do.  I am still a fierce advocate for Type 1, OmniPod, JDRF, Crohn's and Colitis and the CCFA.  I've just had to take a little time and focus on me and my children.




36 comments:

Stephanie said...

Laura. My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach as I read your post. I know I've only "known" you for a year and a half now, but I had no idea you were going at this all on your own this whole time.

You are a strong, amazing, loving, GIVING woman, and I know there are great things ahead for you. We'll be here to help you get through the scary stuff. Much love to you, my friend.

Diane D said...

I love you...I am sorry...I am here.

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

Laura- You are and have always been an inspiration to me. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. There is someone who will hire you to do exactly what you are good at. You will survive this and I promise you we are all hear for you in the mean time. (is now when I remind you about that Type 1 commune I wanted to start??)Really though! Im here.. all hours any time!

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

My heart aches with you, Laura!
I can't imagine what you are going through and won't try to offer words that (to me) would just seem hollow.

Know that you are loved and supported!

Hallie Addington said...

I'm so sorry, Laura. I can only imagine how scared you must be. But you know what? You've got this. If anyone can do it, you can do it. Your heart and determination will get you through. Of that I am certain. Love ya, girl!

Lora said...

I satnd up and applaud you for keeping the poo flinging out of your blog. That is never a goog combonation... however, a divorce does not free him from responsibilities. Don't back down from demanding the help financially that you didn't get in emotional support these past few years. Starting over IS scary, but you are never alone; you have an awsome family behind you and a community of crazy dmamas to encourage you.

YOU.CAN.DO.THIS.

By some miracle... you will be able to function on 2 hrs of sleep.

You can sneak in that nap... it just might be on Sunday afternoon.

You can find someone to hire a dragging ass D mom... hell, I did.

You will still be there for your kids... because you are an awesome mom.

I am wrapping all the strenth I have(from my nap on Sunday) around you. Hang in there.

FeltFinland said...

I am so sorry Laura, that you are going through this really tough time - don't forget we are here to help as best we can over the waves of the internet.
Amanda

Penny said...

Laura, I am so sorry that you are going through this rough time. But I believe in you. I know you can do this. And we are all here for you, whatever you need. Love to you my friend.

Diapeepees said...

I'm so so sorry to read this Laura. My heart aches for your family. Absolutely aches. I will be thinking of all of you, praying for you today. Amy

Nicole said...

UGH...I hate to be so far away. Just know that this SW will always be with you. Your amazing, you rock and you are strong. Always remember you have a wonderful support system in your family and friends and use them when you need help. Much LOVE to you and your amazing family.xoxox

Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!

Kelly said...

Oh Laura....My heart aches for you, which is really a total understatement. Im totally and completely devastated to read this today. ((HUGS))

My own marriage is SLOWLY in recovery (I hope) after seperation awhile back and no doubt D has been a HUGE stressor for us too. I totally understand your worries and fears. If anyone can work through this, I know it is you. Dealing with your kids "illnesses" alone has made you an amazing stronger woman, I believe in you...the entire DOC believes in you!!!

Our home is ALWAYS open, seriously. Im sure you have family that will help you through hard times ahead, just know our D family adores your family and if you need us for anything we are here! If you move to Phoenix I will help you care for those kids!! :)

-Kelly-

Joanne said...

Whatever you need Laura... Fred and I are here for you. Our house is your house... what is 4 more people? Please let us help in whatever way you need, I'm serious about that.

This sucks. I am hurting for you and your kiddos. But I have faith that you will be okay. You are one strong Mama! So glad our paths crossed a few years ago.

So, remember... you know where we live! Elise would be ecstatic to have two "sisters", and Mattias would love another crazy boy to hang out with.

I'm just sayin'...

Sarah said...

Laura, You are an amazingly beautiful mother with a steel will taking care of your little ones. They are so loved and well cared for under your wing. To think you've been doing it all on your own makes me just want to hug you and tell you how beyond amazing you already are! The exhaustion, the muddy brain, we know what you're talking about.

I had our three girls with me full time for the last few years, ever since Virginia's dx. We homeschooled with a big benefit being 24/7 D-care (and other health stuff). This year they're back in school, and I'm working full-time. Handing Virginia's care over totally rocked my world, but now it's all ok. I guess, sometimes surprises come where we least expect them.

You have so many people who love you. And we all know you have an amazing mom. You even have us in Minnesota with an open door and insulin in the fridge. :)

Leigh said...

Laura, I just can't even put into words what I want to say to you. I'm so sad for you and the Littles and mad at him for making you not be able to be with them all the time. I know that's not fair for me to say or to even feel, but you are truly such an amazing person who gives so much of yourself. You deserve the BEST. I have been wanting to reach out to you since we got to visit you in October, but I just didn't know what to say. But if there is anything you need, let me know, even just to vent!! And we would love to have you in AR too!! ;) If you ever need a little road trip with the kiddos we would LOVE it!! :)

I know it doesn't help, but I am just sad. Not very productive, I know. Honestly, I don't know the situation or him, but I am really wanting to kick him in the @$$ with my new blue shoes!! :(

But no, really, let me know if there is anything I can do!!

Major HUGS!! And you will definitely be in my prayers!!

Love ya!! Stay strong!!

Kelly said...

Thinking of and Praying for You, Emma, Sophie and Nate during this most difficult time.

Fred said...

What Jo said, seriously.
She has wanted to live with another family for years!

bigfootchildhavediabetes said...

I just found you recently, and your post with "when people tell me that they could never do what I do I often respond with --- yes, yes you could and you would. But you know what ---- sometimes I'm like --- I know, you would totally suck at this" has completely made my week bearable. In my opinion, anyone with any brain would want to hire you to do what you want because you are BRILLIANT. And funny. But that's getting way ahead. Everything is changing for you, and it's hard. So I hope you get a good rest tonight, and things start sorting themselves out a little bit tomorrow.

Sara said...

Laura - the whole DOC has your back! I have so much respect for you for choosing not to (speak the truth) talk about your husband on your blog.

As a child of divorce, my advice is just to continue to be there for your kids. We are resilient and actually pretty smart and (unfortunately) can figure out what is going on without the parents even talking about each other.

I was diagnosed 7-8 years after my parents divorce and it was slightly amusing to hear them "fight" over who was going to take better care of me while I was laying in my hospital bed. I was on my dad's insurance but otherwise supported by my mom.

And I agree with what Lora said about the financial support. He owes it to the kids!

Princess LadyBug said...

Laura, I know we don't really know each other. A quick chat at a D meetup doesn't make us best friends. But we love a lot of the same people and I think that counts for something. Having said that, let me know if there is anything I can do. Anything.

I've only been in this town for about 4 years now, but when you are ready I will gladly reach out to every single person I know & see if they know of a job opening. My job at a non-profit puts me in touch with a lot of social workers. Say the word & I'll start asking around about help for you guys. Help with all sorts of things.

Lexi has my email & she has my permission to pass it on to you if you need.

I don't know if I can help, but I'm sure willing to try. :)

The Frizbian said...

I'm not great without my sarcastic shield, so I'm keeping it short and sweet. My heart and prayers go out to you and the kids.

Kim said...

I may not know you well, Laura, but I want you to know that I am wishing nothing but good things for you and the kids. There's a whole DOC army out here waiting to find out how we can help you!

Wendy Rose said...

I'm so sad to read this.

Just know that I'm praying for your family.

May each day be filled with healing hearts, answered prayers, and peace.

Love to you, sweet friend.

Type1teenager said...

so sorry to hear this :( ive been following your blog for only a few weeks but my thoughts are with you and your family i hope everything sorts itself out

Misty said...

So sorry that you and the children are having to go through this!
Lots of love and prayers...

NikDuck said...

Laura, I am so sorry to read this and hear that you have been dealing with all of this on your own already for so long. My prayers and heart are with you. I understand your fears about the future. You are strong and will be able to accomplish what needs to be done. And I echo what Lora said, you fight for what is rightfully yours!

Jess said...

Laura-

I am so sorry things are so difficult and scary right now.

But like others have said, the DOC is here for you, 100%, all the way. You are never alone, and you can do this!

Anna said...

I am truly very sorry to hear this. It is not going to be easy to go things alone. To echo what any person said, you should not have to shoulder all the responsibility (financial, emotional) by yourself. I hope that will work out for you. In the meantime, just know, that if you go back to work Nate will be okay. Roxy has been doing pre-school/day care two-three days/week since dx and has been ok. I have had to do a lot of "re" training, but it is working. Now everyone's snack is based on what Roxy can have so she isn't singled out. Hang in there.

Tracy1918 said...

Laura, this post made me so sad. I will be praying for you and your kiddos.

You are an amazing mom and your kids are so blessed to have you.

One day at a time. Love you...

Misty said...

Oh Laura. I'm just heartbroken for you. I know that this is (and has been for some time) so hard on you. But I also know what a sweet, beautiful person you are and I know that you will be ok. You can do this! I will be praying for you and your little sweeties as you face this new chapter of your lives. I'm here if you need anything!!! Much love to you my friend.

Jen said...

If anyone can get through it Laura it is YOU! You are one of the strongest ladies I know. I don't know what more to say than has been said already but you can count me in as one more person on your team cheering you on or lending you an ear if you need to do some crying/venting. Much love to you...

krisfitz said...

So sorry to read this. Sending good thoughts - you have a ton of people rooting for you!

Alexis Nicole said...

I didn't comment before because I thought I said everything I needed to via text.....but there's more.

You are an amazing woman. Not just a. Mothers, or pancreas but woman. I admire how you tackle each obstacle and never let it dictate your or your childrens happinhess. With all Sophie goes through she still wears the most amazing smile....that my love is a product of YOU.

I'm not gonna bs you, its ain't gonna be easy, but you can do it, and I know you. You WILL do it, and fucking amazingly at that.

Anytime of day or night I'm here for you to vent, cry, bitch, moan or when you just need a good chocolate laugh.

As for "him", he doesn't deserve to to share the same air with you. You deserve the moon. And. Back, never forget that.

Love you BPFF!!!!!

sfincham said...

Laura, I'm a little late here, but know that I am so sorry to hear (read) this news. I hope for the best for you and the kids and I will think of you often as you tackle this life challenge. Divorce isn't pretty (as you've already began to experience). I am a second wife and have witnessed an inside view of divorce and kids. Ray and I get along well with his x-wife, but not after some real soul searching and battles did we get to this point. Being a single mom and divorced has had its toll on my husbands x-wife and I think it is still (10 years later) difficult for her to tolerate at times. One rule Ray and I have abided by from the beginning was to always put the children and thier needs first...although it gets pretty fuzzy sometimes, we have managed to keep our cool and feel pretty good about ourselves and our treatment of situations over the years by not ever confusing her choices with our "ideals". We have never bad mouthed her and always made sure the kids understand that she is their mother and they must work with her through problems...not come to us complaining and looking for us to fix "her". Especially with girls, as they have aged, they are evil little creatures at times! The communication we have with thier mother has been crucial to everyone's success in supervising and raising these girls from two seperate houses.
From what you've wrote, and the comments I know your ride will be very rough and bumpy and I am soooo sorry. I only hope that you find a rational, solid group of people to talk to and work through all that is ahead. It took a couple of years for my husbands x-wife to get through the anger and resentment she felt, and their divorce was mutual...and I was a very ideal 2nd wife...I stayed out of her way until she wanted to communicate and share her children with me! ((hugs))((hugs))((hugs)) and more to you and although I am not in anyway an expert having never divorced, I am the only person I know who hasn't been! Oh, the stories! XXXOOO Feel free to contact me anytime, Loves, Sara (sarajeanfincham@gmail.com)

Reyna said...

<3

Marcella said...

being separated is not an easy ordeal. i'm delighted to read that you've gone long way after eight years.
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