I've been writing this post in my head for weeks. It's no easy task.
Tonight I've been staring at the white Blogger screen for quite sometime.
My marriage has been broken for quite sometime.
Was it broken before diabetes? Probably so.
Did diabetes do more damage? Who knows?
I certainly am not going to blame diabetes because that feels a little bit like blaming Nate or his broken pancreas. Sophie's diagnosis wasn't easy for us either. We made choices. We handled everything separately. I grieved alone most of the time. And let's not kid ourselves --- there is grief. Well, there certainly was for me.
Is this where we finally disconnected? Hard to say for sure. I'm just going to say our marriage has been broken for a while, we've been living separately for years and finally on January 25, 2012 we officially filed for divorce.
Without turning my blog into the Real Housewives of Collin County . . . I'll just say this is not an amicable divorce and it isn't pretty and it could drag out for a while. I will not blog about the details of our divorce, or the craziness that has transpired or even the accusations that are being thrown around (and trust me the drama so far would be getting top ratings!). I believe that in the best interest of our children I will refrain from 'blogging it out' here.
I will however be blogging about starting over, being a single mom to 3 littles, being a single mom of 2 children that have special medical needs, and finding my way in the world on my own 2 feet all while being scared to death as to what lies ahead. I will look to the wonderful men and women who have done this before me to help guide me and encourage me each step of the way.
The end of a marriage is never an easy time. It's stressful, sad and scary. For me specifically, it is all of those things and more.
I've been a stay at home mom for 8 years. EIGHT YEARS. What in the heck am I going to do now?
I know I am not the only stay at home mom that has had to re-enter the work force after years of staying home wiping butts, washing dishes and shaping little lives. The difference is my mind is really mushy. The whole not sleeping for more that 2 or 3 hours at a time has taken its toll on me and I really do not know how one goes to work and functions properly on that kind of sleep. I know it can be done. There are moms and dads doing it now but I'm not going to lie --- I'm pretty scared.
I've been with Nate everyday since his diagnoses 2 1/2 years ago. He goes to school for only 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. During those 3 hours he's at school his nurse texts me at least 3 times. I am terrified to leave Nate. He's only 3. I'm not ready to hand over his care to anyone else. I know I'm not telling most of my readers anything here but it is MY job to keep him alive --- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm scared. I cannot fathom leaving him for 8-10 hours a day. The very thought of it causes a wave of nausea, tears well up in my eyes and I actually have to remind myself to breathe. His bg was 38 today and he was running around like a crazy man. He has a look. I saw it and checked. NO ONE else knows that look. NO ONE else would have checked. How do you teach someone everything that I do? It seems impossible.
Sophie's health has me worried too. It's been almost 2 years since her diagnosis and she's never been in remission. She's on steroids, immune suppression drugs and we are looking into an infusion drug that could have some pretty strong side-effects. She's already missed over a week of school this year because of her UC. I can't imagine not being there for her when she needs me. No one can love her through these things like her mama can.
Emma, Emma my sweet Emma. She is my rock. She is so stoic and beautiful. She seems to handle everything in stride but I know that she is just like her mommy. She's so sensitive and internalizes everything. I know this divorce is hard on her, I know she feels like she always comes last. I know she is always silently waiting on what her diagnosis will be. That was hard to write. It's hard to think about. She's such a sweet girl. I love being her mommy. I love dropping her off at school every morning and seeing her face light up every afternoon when she sees me pull up to the carpool line. I'm not ready for so many changes!
For the time being I'm still living in our house with the kids. Being a single mom isn't really the scary part ---- I've been doing all of this alone here for years now. The difference is that although I felt alone most of the time I was still able to stay home with the kids, shuttle them to and from doctors appointments, drop them off at school, rage bolus Nate to combat crazy highs, SWAG the macaroni and cheese for lunch and head off lows by just knowing that look he gets. I've been able to --- yep, I'm going to admit it here . . . catch a nap every once in a while when he's at school. There are nights that I'm up every hour or two and there are days where I just absolutely hit a brick wall and cannot do one more thing.
There are a lot of scary things in my future . . . where will we live, what will we drive, who will care for Nate, what if Sophie gets worse, who will hire an ass-dragging D Mom, how can I possibly function on 2 hours of sleep, how will I buy groceries, will Sophie's medications be covered . . . the list goes on and on and on and on. I'm taking them all one at a time. I'll keep you posted along the way. I'm always very transparent here and looking forward to starting over and sharing my journey.
I know a lot of people have emailed and reached out over the past month or so and I would like to apologize for not responding as I normally do. I am still a fierce advocate for Type 1, OmniPod, JDRF, Crohn's and Colitis and the CCFA. I've just had to take a little time and focus on me and my children.