That's funny ---- Right?
Anyway when I started this blog it was an outlet for me to discuss the wide array of emotions I was going through after Nate was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and then Sophie with Crohn's disease. I'm never afraid to keep it real and let people know exactly how I am feeling. I have certainly been through some tough times over the past couple of years. I am not sure that I have handled any of it with dignity or grace but at the time I really didn't care ---- survival was my only goal.
Reading back over some of my posts I still feel every bit of the sadness, anger and frustration that I was feeling at the time that each post was written. I remember vividly the sadness, the feeling of loss, frustration and anger. At times I did allow myself to get wrapped up in each and every one of those emotions.
I truly believe I went from being what I like to describe as a full-time, stay-at-home, want-to-be-perfect mom to a D-mom and then a D/C-Mom. I was no longer a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister or a friend. All I could be at the time was a mom to 2 chronically ill children (we won't even talk about how bad I feel for Ms. Emma). I felt overwhelmed and sad ---- some days I still do but for the most part something has changed over the last 6-months or so. I am still a stay at home mom and a D/C-mom but I have found me again. I am no longer trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect D-mom or perfect C-mom . . . is there really such thing? I am just me . . . a woman, wife (yes, still married), a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am funny, silly, sarcastic (I actually speak sarcasm fluently), kind of bitchy, and rather snarky. I have found that getting away from my littles occasionally is actually good for my mothering abilities . . . when I don't escape often enough I can lose my shit FAST!
In March I started running and working out again. It is my all about me time. I love to run --- it clears my mind and lets me leave diabetes and Crohn's behind when I know my littles are in the capable hands of someone that I trust. I am back down to my pre-Emma pregnancy weight and it feels really, really good. I've also started reading again which I was passionate about before Nate's diagnosis. After his dx I felt too overwhelmed and exhausted to let myself escape in a book. Not any more! I can't believe I am going to admit this but I read all three 50 Shades of Grey books (go ahead and laugh) and am now reading a funny book by Chelsea Handler given to me by a friend (or maybe it was a loaner --- not sure --- will have to check on that?).
I think through my experiences with 2 life changing diagnoses I have learned empathy, compassion and understanding. I've never wanted sympathy ever and I don't believe that others do either so I try to help others in need, even if it is just an understanding nod or compassionate look. I never want anyone to think that because his or her child doesn't require the same amount of care that mine do that their child's illness is any less important to me. It's not. I want to help! I want to understand! I want to be there!
Well, except for this one post I read recently by some woman that went on and on and on about how stoic and strong she was because she was able to get through some random surgery her son had to have and then he ate a flower or a rock or something and she freaked out ---- it was weird and I had no sympathy or emapthy for her whatsoever. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd read in a while. To her I did actually want to shout . . . HEY ---- COME OVER HERE AND WALK A MILE IN MY FLIP-FLOPS, DRAMA MAMA!
I know I should be more empathetic of the rock mom but geeeez can you imagine her living my bloody and crappy life? She would crumble FO SHO. I could actually link to 100 diagnosis stories that are 100X worse than what that woman went through and each and every one of the mom's I have read about were stoic and graceful through the most horrifying diagnosis stories --- most much worse than what I have gone through.
How did I get off on that? Clearly needed to get that off of my chest.
I read this recently on a blog I came across recently and loved it . . .
Don’t judge me. You couldn’t handle half what I’ve been through. As a matter of fact, most would crumble just watching my life play out. There’s a reason I do what I do. There’s a reason I am who I am. Until you live my story, please just pay attention to your own.
--- Stolen from Diary of a Sick Girl.
So, back to me. That's what it's all about . . . in my mind anyway.
I am still devoted to my children, dedicated to caring for their needs and I will never stop hoping for a cure.
I will allow myself the breaks that I need to keep my sanity and not allow one ounce of guilt to seep into my mind while I am taking said breaks --- whether it be running, working out, hanging out with my girlfriends or even escaping to the solitude of my closet to enjoy a glass of wine in peace (yes, that makes me a closet drinker!).
I feel like I have survived ---- I am still surviving --- my life isn't any easier all of the sudden it's just that I have accepted that this is my life. I've embraced my new normal and I am no longer angry about it. Don't get me wrong I can still get mad at diabetes and Crohn's when I am in the midst of dealing with either one but I think I have finally learned to live by the words that I post here so often . . .
Keep Calm and Carry On.